


Season F

by buzzspark



Category: SpongeBob SquarePants (Cartoon)
Genre: Canon Related, Deviates From Canon, Episode Related, Fix-It, Fluff, Food, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Light-Hearted, Restaurants, Screenplay/Script Format, Shorts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-19
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2019-05-25 10:47:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 32,191
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14975555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/buzzspark/pseuds/buzzspark
Summary: Stay tuned for Season F! This SpongeBob collection will feature originals, full episode reworks, and sequels, that are all written in a style that tries to stay as close to the original series as possible. Fix fics will be based on instalments such as 'The Splinter', and more.(note: this work is currently on hiatus)





	1. (Fix-It) The Splinter

**Author's Note:**

> As with all my works, this is written as a screenplay. It makes sense here anyway since it's based on a show.
> 
> I will eventually try to balance out originals and fix-its, but there are some episodes even I won't do. Mainly extremely long or boring ones like Atlantis SquarePantis. If there is any episode you would like to see a fix-it or a sequel of in particular, feel free to leave it in the comments. Whether or not I do them entirely depends on my own personal interest in the episode, and if I think it has enough flaws (fix-it) or potential for additional content (sequel) to be worth writing about. I hope you enjoy.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 6 - Episode 105a  
> Originally Aired June 2nd, 2008
> 
> SpongeBob gets a splinter.

**Fix-It 1**

**The Splinter**

 

**EXT. THE KRUSTY KRAB - DAY**

Mr. Krabs is preparing to open the double doors to his restaurant. His claws are holding a set of keys, that he calmly turns in the lock while he and Squidward watch the beginning of another long day of shenanigans.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Seven, six, five, four, three, two--WOAAAH! Open for _business_!"

 

Spongebob cheers and looks up gleefully from his patty-themed watch. Ready to start the day. Squidward, not so much.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

(sarcastically)

"Yahoo."

 

He strides indoors and SpongeBob starts to jog up and down on the spot.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Oh Mr. Krabs, oh Mr. Krabs, can I do it today, huuh? Can I, can I, can I?"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Ak-ak-ak-ak. I suppose you can have the honour today, lad!"

 

SpongeBob dashes behind the door, quick as a flash, to turn the sign from 'CLOSED' to 'OPEN'.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Ehehe! WOO!"

 

Glumly slooped over the cash register, Squidward counts what's inside.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Twenty-seven, twenty-eight ..--"

 

The carefree sponge leaps into the air and through the perfectly square shaped hole leading to the kitchen, narrowly avoiding stepping on Squidward's head in doing so. He then proceeds to pull his trusty spatula from thin air, flip open the capsule on the underside containing a gold key, and using it to unlock a drawer from his pants inside which is a squeaky clean tray of ingredients.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Freshness, check!"

 

He reaches along the counter to pull out a stacked pile of patties.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Buns, check! Fresh patties!"

 

Spinning round, SpongeBob opens the lock to the freezer and elegantly tosses his spatula through the air. It bounces off the wall and comes straight back, carrying with it a mountain of patty meat. The tool's handle enters his hand as planned, and he flips it once to send the cylindrical slabs flying, then landing neatly on the grill at his side.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Oh, silly me! I'm forgetting one more minor detail!"

 

Grunting, he puffs out his exterior. Expanding a single hole on his head large enough for his uniform hat to pop through. He laughs and giggles, giddy with excitement, and then the first order of the day appears in the hatch. He hangs it on the underside of his cap for him to read. A message from Squidward is at the bottom, with an odd, likely unintended scribble resembling a heart.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"'Two krabby patties, P.S. SpongeBob you're an idiot. _LOVE_ Squidward!' Oh-hoh, love you too, Squiddy. Two krabby patties coming right up!"

 

SpongeBob twirls his spatula, but accidentally lets go. He gasps as it hits the ceiling and dangles from a narrow crack in the wood. Attempting to jump up and reach it, soon realising that it's far too high off the ground. Thinking to himself, he next appears on the very top of a wobbling tower of storage boxes, ranging from 'swords' (wonder why the Krusty Krab needs those) to 'tartar sauce'.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Gotcha!"

 

He finally reaches his treasured spatula, and begins to fiercely tug at it. In attempting to free it, he has shaken his make-shift ladder so much that the swords and tartar sauce containers have broken and sprung free. Unbeknownst to him, an array of jagged scissor and weapon tips lay beneath him and sit in place under the sauce's grip. Eventually he gets it out.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Whew, this thing is stuck pretty good."

 

Not realising that it's already been released, he sticks it right back in and continues to pull. It comes out again, but SpongeBob has lost his balance. He falls off and starts to plummet, screaming, into the pit of swords.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I guess this is it .."

 

He turns to his spatula and accepts his fate, but he stops in mid-air. After a while of nothing happening, he warily opens one eye and realises that one of the spatula's holes has caught on to a sword hanging from a box. He slips off it with ease, and lands on his two feet unscathed. Smiling at the spatula. His lucky charm.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Oh! You really saved me!--"

 

Immediately after saying this, he slips on a puddle of tartar sauce and slams head-first onto the floor. He feels okay, gets up, and then notices that on his way down he picked up a piece of wood in his right thumb. 

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Hey, a splinter! ..Okay, well, it's been nice knowing ya, but you have got to _GO_!"

 

He lightly jerks at it once, a smile still on his face.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Now. Okay, out we go. Oh, that kinda hurts."

 

With his other finger and thumb gripped around it, struggling to keep hold with how small it is, he continuously pulls at the splinter to no avail.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Come on!"

 

He keeps pulling and pulling, but it won't move an inch. Wiping some sweat off his forehead, he sighs and pulls off his arm. A new one grows back, but it still has a splinter on it. He feigns defeat.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Hm. Maybe it'll come out on it's own. You wanna be friends, huh, little guy? Hahaha!"

 

At the front desk, Squidward is reading a gossip magazine in front of a client. His four legs leaning comfortably against the register.

 

**CUSTOMER**

"Excuse me, sir, but, uhm, I ordered a couple krabby patties a _while_ ago and, uh, I'm wondering when they'll be out."

 

Finally taking notice of him, Squidward splits his legs in two pairs so he can see the customer's face. Lifting his right arm and cupping his hand while looking incredibly bored. Slightly uplifted by his own innate sense of humour.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Hah hah hah hah. Looks like I'm crushing your face. Hah hah."

 

**CUSTOMER**

"So, will they be ready soon?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Oh, yeah, yeah. Don't move too much, it ruins it. Hah."

 

Squidward tosses a crumpled up note through the hatch that hits the fry cook on the head. SpongeBob lifts the paper, purposefully retracting his splintered thumb to raise it to his face without any pain. He takes one look, throws the paper away, and an even bigger smile spreads across an already big grin. Without moving his head, he reaches for the spatula in his pocket, but flinches each time he touches it.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Ow. Ow. Ow."

 

He gives up and points a finger at his splinter.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"You're making this a little bit difficult. Luckily, I am ambidextrous!"

 

Pressing down on a tiny red button at the base of his spatula, a string is released that he uses to attach the spatula to his nose. Utilising his seven able-bodied fingers, he impales the ingredients and lays them down inside the cooked patties.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Perfection!"

 

Propping the two up on plates in the windowsill, he enthusiastically rings the bell to get Squidward's attention, whose nose is stuck back inside his magazine. He has to prod it four times before Squidward snaps round out of sheer annoyance.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"I hear you, I hear you!"

 

SpongeBob pokes his head out, spatula still tied to his nose, and unwittingly jabs it into Squidward's eyes.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Okay, good! 'Cause these two krabby patties are READY!--Oh, sorry Squidward!"

 

The sponge pulls himself and his nose back inside. Squidward grumbles and starts to march straight for SpongeBob's room. Smacking the door wide ajar, and clenching his fists.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"SpongeBob."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Yes?"

 

SpongeBob is holding back enthusiasm. He thinks it's all just a game.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Can I ask you something?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Yes."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"What's that?"

 

He sneers, pointing towards the spatula.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"What's what?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"You know."

 

After Squidward flicks it, the metal tip wobbles up and down.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Know what?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"This."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"What?"

 

He's starting to grow increasingly frustrated. Squiddy's grimace deepens.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"This _thing_ here."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"What thing where?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"The spatula .. _TIED TO_ _YOUR NOSE_!"

 

Even having yelled in his face, SpongeBob pays him no mind.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"AHAHAHA! This! Haha! Well, you see, this got stuck up there, so, I stacked up and I climbed up to reach it. I reached and grabbed and I got it but then I fell and I SCREAMED! I was sure I was dead but then I wasn't but then I tripped and I got this splinter and--Squidward. Squidward, were you listening at all? I got this really bad splinter, you see. And I couldn't hold the spatula with my hand so I used my nose. Makes sense now, right?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Ooh yeah, that makes perfect sense. You're a half-wit who injured himself at work being a nitwit."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Ahahahaha! Good one, Squiddy!"

 

Grumbling again, he struts back towards the door just as angrily.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Doh! Injury! YOUR BRAIN IS INJURED!--Hm .."

 

He suddenly sparks an evil grin, rubbing his hands together and darting for SpongeBob.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Wait a minute. Did you say you got that splinter injury _at work_?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Yeah."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Oooh, tut-tut-tut-tut, that's _nooot_ good."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I know. It hurts pretty bad."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Yeah. When Mr. Krabs finds out, oh maaan."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Finds out what?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Finds out about this injury."

 

He holds up SpongeBob's hand, revealing the shard of wood lightly imbedded onto the surface of his skin.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"You mean my splinter?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"He'll be forced to send you home."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"H-h-h-home, but I'm fine!

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Here, let me take this for you."

 

He grabs the hat and plucks the spatula from SpongeBob's nose.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Why? Hey, wait, I'm fine!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"It was a good shift while it lasted."

 

Squidward casually begins walking back to his station, SpongeBob's things in hand.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"While it lasted? What're you doing?"

 

He clumsily casts the hat and the spatula to the floor and sits with a smug grin behind the register.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"H-wh-wh-wh-what're you--?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"I know it's hard to say goodbye."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"But ..but, but Squidward, I'm fine!"

 

Panting, he begins dancing around while Squiddy's back is turned.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I'm fine~! I'm okay~! Look at me, nothing's wrong! See? See?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Oh, I believe you, SpongeBob. But, unfortunately, the rules clearly state that you must be sent home."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"No, anything but that .."

 

SpongeBob's eyes are watery, tears bubbling. He grabs Squidward and huddles up against his back.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Please, Squidward!"

 

He jumps onto his chest, violently sobbing into his shirt. Squidward frowns and leans back.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"You can't let this happen! (sob) YOU CAN'T LET THEM FORCE ME AWAY!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Sorry, the rules are the rules."

 

His cries get louder. Having slipped down, he lays clinging to his tentacles. SpongeBob is dragged into the kitchen as Squidward has gotten up from his seat to wander round.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Yeah, it'll be pretty  _quiet_ around here with Mr. Krabs sending you home early and all. I just hope we'll make it through the whole rest of this day without you here."

 

SpongeBob's wailing has stopped, and he instead resorts to deeply exhaling in and out to calm himself down. Quickly grabbing Squidward again. Begging on his knees with his hands tightly wrapped around Squiddy's arms.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Please Squidward! DON'T TELL MR. KRABS!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Wha, me? Tell Mr. Krabs? No, no, no, no, no."

 

He makes for the cash register, still shaking his head. SpongeBob sighs in relief.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"I don't have to tell Mr. Krabs."

 

Neck sticking through the hatch, Squidward veers in close.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Because he already knows."

 

Eyes wide, face blank, SpongeBob screams. So loudly, in fact, that Squidward rolls like a tumbleweed out the front door. Fortunately with pillows over his ears that he had taken earlier, anticipating this kind of reaction. He ends up rolling in through the back door.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"He does?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Ooh yeah, Krabs has preternatural instincts when it comes to situations like this. It's almost as if, when something's amiss in his restaurant, he can smell it."

 

Together, down low, they peek through the hatch. Mr. Krabs is sniffing the floor and comes to a sitting customer. Holding his nose near one of their side trouser pockets, he takes one deep breath and inhales two twenty-five cent coins. One in each nostril.

 

**Mr. Krabs**

"These quarters smell sad ..you were not planning on getting a refill with them, were you!?"

 

**CUSTOMER**

"No, I wasn't."

 

The customer storms out, throwing their soda that splashes and spills across the green floorboards. SpongeBob gasps.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"You were right, Squidward. I need help!"

 

A few minutes later, SpongeBob is using a phone in the Krusty Krab. Patrick is on the other side, but doesn't say a word.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Please pick up, please pick up .."

 

SpongeBob taps his foot impatiently while staring at his sore thumb.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Patrick ..?"

 

**PATRICK**

"Yeah."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Uuh! Thank goodness you're there! I got a splinter in my thumb and--"

 

**PATRICK**

"Mmhm. I see. Well, I'm pretty booked today. But I think I can fit you in."

 

Banging through the door to the outside, SpongeBob takes quick notice of Patrick in a dirty dumpster, which is sitting right next to the telephone his friend was using.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Thanks, Patrick!"

 

**PATRICK**

"No problem."

 

He dives under the garbage and comes out in a stainless white doctor's uniform.

 

**PATRICK**

"You called the right person, Mr. SpongeBob! Now, let's see where the problem's at."

 

Patrick grabs one of SpongeBob's legs, examines it with a brief glance, and moves it towards his face.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Uh, Patrick, what're you doing?"

 

**PATRICK**

"Running your diagnostic."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Sorry, I don't really want my foot in your mouth."

 

Releasing it, his leg fumbles to the ground and SpongeBob pulls it back into place.

 

**PATRICK**

"Then I guess we'll have to use more primitive methods."

 

Patrick finds a stool and settles it near a crate. SpongeBob takes a seat, stretches his arm across the box and holds out his thumb for him to see. The star has taken a spyglass from his coat pocket to get a close-up of his friend's splinter-pricked thumb.

 

**PATRICK**

"Well here's your problem! Now, don't you worry buddy, we're going to make it go away."

 

Fumbling around in his medical bag, he unveils a piece of wood. With more splinters on it.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Thanks, Patrick. You're a life saver. Oh, but, isn't that?--"

 

**PATRICK**

"Didn't you know? The best cure for pain is more pain. I know .."

 

Flashback to Patrick slipping and falling on the ground, hurting his foot. He proceeds to accidentally repeat the process by doing the same for the rest of his limbs, and his head. After it, he smiles in comfort.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Okay then, Pat! I'm ready!"

 

He shuts his eyes tight and lifts his hands into the air. Patrick slides the wood onto the crate before SpongeBob, who wiggles and flexes his fingers in preparation. Slowly easing each of them down. Slowly ..

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Ow!"

 

Cringing once, SpongeBob opens his eyes again. Now all of his fingers have a little splinter in them.

 

**PATRICK**

"Better, right?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Y-yeah! I can't feel a thing!"

 

An alarm goes off and Pat checks his watch.

 

**PATRICK**

"Oh, my shift is over."

 

He walks towards a coat hanger and puts up his jacket, donning himself with a tidy hat.

 

**PATRICK**

"Call me in the morning. If you can still dial the phone."

 

SpongeBob goes into the kitchen, twisting his fingers. Problem solved. But, Squidward and Mr. Krabs are right there waiting for him. He gawks at them and holds in a scream. Swiftly hiding his hands behind his back.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"What's that?"

 

The sponge erupts into a flood of sweat.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"What's what?"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Behind your back?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"You mean ..this?"

 

He nervously whips out the uniform hat, with both of his clammy hands tucked inside.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Put your hat on, boy. Show some company pride!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Ha! Company pride! Of course."

 

While his hands are deep inside the hat, he positions it over his head and pulls them back out too fast for either of them to see. Dropping it neatly so that it stands in near-perfect symmetry.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Uh, SpongeBob."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Yes."

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Why are your hands inside your socks?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"No reason! Just ..thought I'd put them there to keep them warm! Ahahaha!"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Interesting. Well what's this about a splinter that Squidward's been telling me all about?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"AAAH!"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Alright, boy, let's see it."

 

He starts sniffle and whimper.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Come on, SpongeBob, it's just a little splinter! I mean how bad could it--? ..Oh merciful Neptune!"

 

His hands are out in the open with many clearly sitting at the end of every finger. Squidward looks at him, disinterested.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Well, he's your problem."

 

SpongeBob eyes at his boss expectantly. Holding the splinters up next to his face.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I-I-I can still work! It doesn't hurt a bit! I swear! Oh, please, Mr. Krabs .."

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Of course you can work, lad. But not with your hands like that. Come here and I'll get them out for ya, easy."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Thank you so much, Mr. Krabs! I was worried I would have to go home .."

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Go home? Oh, don't be silly, lad. Now hold still."

 

He puts his claw round one of the splinters. With a bit of effort, he manages to snip it off in a jiffy.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Wow! You were right! That _was_ easy!"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"You only needed to ask for a little help."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"But I did ask for help."

 

Mr. Krabs looks behind him at Squidward loafing.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Erm, from the right person. I mean."

 

Going on to the next one, Mr. Krabs readies his pincer. Wrapping it around, and snapping it shut. But, it doesn't come off.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Ow! Mr. Krabs, I think the numbness is starting to wear off ..OWCH!"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Relax, that's your nerves acting up. Don't move a muscle ..oi! What did I just say!?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I'm sorry, Mr. Krabs! It hurts! Ooh, the pain is getting worse. OW!"

 

Squidward can hear the whole thing, and struggles to concentrate on his reading.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Okay. Okay. I'm fine now."

 

**MR KRABS**

"This is going to take a while."

 

With a long face, Squidward groans and brings up the two pillows to his ears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Differences from the original episode:-  
> 1\. SpongeBob stepping on Squidward's head to get in the kitchen is removed.  
> 2\. Butt joke is removed.  
> 3\. The freezer is shown being opened, unlike in the original.  
> 4\. It's explained why there was a heart on Squidward's note to SpongeBob, also unlike the original.  
> 5\. SpongeBob immediately falls on the splinter instead of his thumb being slowly impaled by it.  
> 6\. The visualisation of SpongeBob's splinter being red, swollen, and deeply imbedded into his skin is removed.  
> 7\. The scene of SpongeBob trying to pull out his splinter is drastically cut. Not kidding, the original was almost a full minute of just his pure agony on screen.  
> 8\. Squidward being tortured during SpongeBob's story is removed.  
> 9\. Scene of pus from SpongeBob's splinter leaking into Squidward's eye is removed. Gross.  
> 10\. Instead of Squidward flushing SpongeBob's beloved hat and spatula down the toilet, he throws them on the floor, and the entire scene takes place in the dining room rather than the bathroom.  
> 11\. Mr. Krabs sniffs the quarters from the customer's side pocket instead of their butt pocket.  
> 12\. Scene of Patrick putting SpongeBob's foot in his mouth and getting mad at him is removed.  
> 13\. To 'help' SpongeBob, Patrick gives him more splinters instead of hammering it in further and covering it in garbage (IMO most disgusting scene in the entire episode, even SpongeBob almost throws up), which infects it and makes it larger.  
> 14\. Because he was given more splinters, SpongeBob has to hide both hands in his hat instead of just his thumb when he is confronted by Mr. Krabs.  
> 15\. The entire end scene is replaced. This involved; the big reveal of SpongeBob's huge, disgusting splinter, Squidward fainting, Mr. Krabs taking out SpongeBob's splinter and being squirted by a fountain of pus, and Squidward punishing himself in a rather unfunny way so he can get worker's compensation, only to discover that his shift already ended.
> 
> For these kinds of lists, changes will be generalised. There will be no noting of individual dialogue, since that would take too long. The reason I've decided to include these at the end of each fix-it is for the people who haven't already seen the episode, and so I can save you the pain of actually having to watch it yourself. I had to sit for hours and watch the full ten minutes of The Splinter frame by frame. Believe me, it was horrifying.
> 
> As my next rewrite, I am thinking about either Stuck in the Wringer or Little Yellow Book. Overall, I was surprised at how few scenes had major flaws. You could say this is just a transcript of the episode, and, well, it kind of is. But I think it really needed the changes it did to get any enjoyment out of it.


	2. (Fix-It) Stuck in the Wringer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 7 - Episode 128b  
> Originally Aired July 19th, 2009
> 
> SpongeBob gets stuck in a wringer.

**Fix-It 2 - Stuck in the Wringer**

 

**EXT. PATRICK'S HOUSE - DAY**

Patrick is playing with a rubber ducky in the street. Putting it on his head and joyously frolicking.

 

**PATRICK**

"Ahahaha! Hahaha! QUACK, QUACK, QUACK! Hahaha!"

 

He jumps and skips, but slows down as he approaches SpongeBob's house. Eyes turning to the ground, and a miserable frown hanging from his face. To cheer himself up, he squeezes his duck two times so that it goes 'squeak' 'squeak'. He knows SpongeBob is busy getting ready for work, so he sees Squidward walking down the road and breaks into a sprint.

 

**PATRICK**

"Squidward! Squidward!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"What!?"

 

**PATRICK**

"Do you like my duckie duck?"

 

With delicately cupped hands, Patrick holds it up for him to see. Squidward seethes with anger and smacks it out of his face.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"No! I don't care! Grr. Why don't you just go bother that stupid sponge instead!?"

 

**PATRICK**

"But he's getting ready for work .."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"So am I!"

 

Pat's longing gaze stays on SpongeBob's front door for a while, and he is next seen bursting into the room.

 

**PATRICK**

"Hi, SpongeBob. Do you want to come play with me and duckie ..?"

 

Patrick snoops around, to find his friend motionless and suspended above ground in a strange contraption.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Oh, hey Pat! I'd love to, but l'm a little stuck. If you know what I mean."

 

**PATRICK**

"Stuck? ..In what? Your house? Don't worry, SpongeBob, I'll get you out!"

 

Patrick grabs him and rushes for the stairs.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"No! Wait, wait, wait! Patrick, stop!"

 

**PATRICK**

"So you want me to take you out the window, or--"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"No, Patrick. This. My wringer."

 

**PATRICK**

"Ohh. Right. Well no wonder you're stuck, silly. They're supposed to go on your fingers. Or was it your toes."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"It's for drying. But I had an accident. I slipped on a bar of soap, and now I'm like this. And I can't .."

 

He shuffles a bit, shaking it's supports, but the wringer doesn't budge an inch.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I can't move."

 

**PATRICK**

"Hm ..."

 

Patrick grabs SpongeBob's wringer and snaps off the legs. Planting him on the floor so he can walk.

 

**PATRICK**

"There, is that better?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Much better! Thanks, pal. Oh, but if you don't mind, do you think you could try getting this part of it off of me as well?"

 

**PATRICK**

"Oh, yeah. I guess that could kinda get in the way. Here it goes."

 

Gripping tightly with his hands, he attempts to pull it off SpongeBob. But it's no use. He sweats and goes red in the face.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I don't think this is working, Pat. Gee it's on so tight. Oh! Patrick! Can you get me my butter from the fridge?"

 

**PATRICK**

"Mm, yummy. Okay!"

 

Patrick and SpongeBob go down to the kitchen. Spotting Gary, SpongeBob is unable to pet him, but manages to pick up a box of snail food from a low table. He pours it out for him, and Gary waddles over to eat it all up. Meanwhile, Patrick is pulling out a butter and a peanut butter container from the very back of SpongeBob's fridge. The peanut butter hasn't been used in a while, or even touched. He reads the labels on the back.

 

**PATRICK**

"Do you want the opened one from a year ago or the one from yesterday?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"A year!? Mm, well, I won't be needing that one. Bring it here, buddy."

 

Patrick reaches in with one arm and brings it back out, smothered in peanut butter.

 

**PATRICK**

"Now what?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Just rub it all over my wringer, like it's sun screen! Hahahaha!"

 

SpongeBob stands with his back straight and on his tiptoes while Patrick applies it. Droplets trickle all over the floor with the star's carelessness, and, SpongeBob, more focused on his pet, realises what Patrick is really putting on him far too late.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Hold on a sec, Patrick, that isn't butter .."

 

Lying opened on the shelf, SpongeBob squints his eyes to read the box.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

" _PEANUT BUTTER_!?"

 

**PATRICK**

"Huuh? Did I pick the wrong one?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Oh no. Uh, it's fine, Pat. Just get it off for me quick!"

 

**PATRICK**

"Okay."

 

Patrick eagerly licks the peanut butter from the wringer. It seems like it's coming off, although it soon hardens. Attaching itself to his tongue. He manages to break it off and is sent flying to the other end of the room. Patrick picks himself up, returns to Spongebob and pokes the butter. It's rock solid. The sponge turns pale.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Eep! It just made it worse!"

 

Hearing an ominous ticking sound, SpongeBob turns to check his clock.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"And at this rate I'm gonna be late for work! See you later, Pat. I gotta go!"

 

Patrick watches SpongeBob spring for the stairs. After the first step he takes a tumble and lands with a loud SMASH.

 

**PATRICK**

"Uh, SpongeBob, will you be okay?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Don't worry, Patrick! I can do it!"

 

With a worried look, he turns to stare at his rubber duck and squeaks it.

 

**INT. THE KRUSTY KRAB - DAY**

At work, SpongeBob is doing the usual. He's flipping patties on the grill, but using a block of wood attached to the front of his wringer to arrange them, and his spatula is stuffed inside one of it's two remaining legs. He kicks behind him and an assortment of onions, pickles and tomatoes soar right onto the bun.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Hello, perfectly made Krabby Patty!

 

Perfect indeed. It sparkles and exhumes a crisp, golden glow. His time to admire it is short but sweet, and he knocks it up into the hatch.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Order's uuup!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"It's about time."

 

Ready to take the sandwich to it's table, Squidward snaps back round after catching sight of the wringer. Holding in a fit of laughter.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Hey, SpongeBob, _love_ the outfit. Where'd you get it? The hardware store?"

 

Squidward chuckles, and SpongeBob laughs along with him.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Hahaha! Hardware store! No, from my bathroom."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Well, I must say, it reallycompletes your  _imbecile_ look. Way to go, buddy."

 

He ends with a wink, and SpongeBob gives him the thumbs up.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Awh, thanks pal."

 

In doing so, he accidentally squirts mustard into Squidward's face. He wipes it off while it dribbles into his now stinging eyes.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Ow."

 

SpongeBob leaps through the window and onto Squidward's chest.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"SQUIDWARD! Are you okay!?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Please just get away from me."

 

**CUSTOMER**

"Uh, excuse me, can I have a refill on my soda?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Oh! A refill!"

 

Getting back up, SpongeBob hits the cash register with his wringer. It lands on the customer's foot, and they clutch at it, screaming and toppling over the tables and chairs. SpongeBob looks on in shock and awe at the ensuing chaos.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Not to worry, sir! I'm coming~!--Woah!"

 

He hits the cash register again and it's contents spew out. Notes and pennies flying everywhere. SpongeBob next hits a pole, and the right leg of the wringer impales it. Leaving him stuck in mid-air.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Don't worry, everybody, I'm o--AAAH!"

 

Looking around, all dizzy, he sees the customers frantically reaching for as much of the raining cash as they can. SpongeBob gasps and tries to free himself so he can stop them.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Hey, don't touch Mr. Krabs' money!"

 

Mr. Krabs hears the noise from his office and jumps out in an instant.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"ME MONEY! What d'you think you're doing!?" That ain't yours!"

 

Mr. Krabs snatches them back.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Thank you very much! ..When I get my hands on that boy ..!"

 

SpongeBob is still stuck in the pole. He manages to pull himself out and crashes into everyone.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Here, Mr. Krabs. I'll help."

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Oh, I think you've helped quite enough today! You can come back when that destructive device of yours is gone."

 

Mr. Krabs carries him outside and drops him off at the front door.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"B-b-b-but, Mr. Krabs!"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Sorry, lad! Squidward'll keep those patties warm for ya while you're out! Won't you, Mr. Squidward?"

 

Squidward sighs. SpongeBob walks home hanging his head, and Patrick runs into him.

 

**PATRICK**

"Hey, SpongeBob, how was work?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Oh, an absolute disaster. I can't do anything without this stupid wringer getting in the way. I-i-if I don't get this thing off, I'll never be able to come back to work again!"

 

SpongeBob bursts into tears. Patrick puts a hand on his shoulder.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Wh-what do I do?"

 

**PATRICK**

"I don't know ..but I _do_ know what always makes you feel better!"

 

**INT. SUPER WEENIE HUT JR.'S - DAY**

Two extra large three scooped ice creams rest on the table in front of them, each with a cherry on top and a silver spoon tucked inside.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"You were right! Ice cream always makes me feel better!"

 

**PATRICK**

"Dig in!"

 

Patrick watches him impatiently. Since his hands are immovable, SpongeBob sticks out his tongue and uses it to grab the spoon and scoop some of it into his mouth. It slips down his throat, but gets stuck at the bottom by the wringer obstructing it. SpongeBob scowls.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I can't even eat ice cream now! This dumb wringer's in the way!"

 

**PATRICK**

"I'll get that for you!"

 

Patrick presses down on the scoop that appears as a lump in his skin. Compressing it and allowing him to swallow.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Awwh, thanks pal!"

 

He comes to some sort of realisation by eyeing his hands and then SpongeBob's ice cream. He starts ferociously mashing it, making most of the ice cream jump out of the bowl and splatter everywhere. What's left is a tiny amount of chocolate flavoured liquid.

 

**PATRICK**

"Here you go! Open wide! It's not much, so you can have mine too."

 

Patrick spoon feeds it to SpongeBob and they both smile. SpongeBob licks the ice cream that sprayed on his face.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Thanks Patrick. But, I'm not that hungry. Actually I think I'll go home. I don't want to be locked out of the Krusty Krab forever .."

 

**PATRICK**

"You know what? You're right, SpongeBob! I'm not hungry either. So let's go to a place that's even MORE fun! It's the funnest spot in the ocean!"

 

Without another word, Patrick goes out with SpongeBob. Sadly looking at his untouched ice cream.

 

**EXT. CORAL CARNIVAL - DAY**

Patrick and SpongeBob walk around, with the sponge seeming a little glum. One foot inside and Patrick points for a game.

 

**PATRICK**

"Look! The ball toss!"

 

**VENDOR**

"Step right up, folks! Toss a ball, hit the cans, and win a stuffed seahorse!"

 

**PATRICK**

"We wanna play!"

 

**VENDOR**

"Sure. Gimme your best shot."

 

Patrick takes the two baseballs from the man's hand.

 

**PATRICK**

"Thanks."

 

He draws back his arm and lands a good throw that knocks all the cans over.

 

**PATRICK**

"WOO! Haha! Now you try."

 

Forcing his arm back as far as it will go, SpongeBob takes his turn. It bounces off the counter and hits him in the eye. Patrick sees this and jumps up and down in excitement.

 

**PATRICK**

"Hey, that looks fun! Two more balls, sir. I'll be right back!"

 

Patrick steals a tight rope walker's hoop from above, who falls off. He sticks it around his waist so it restricts his arms, much like SpongeBob's wringer. He has trouble fitting it around his belly and has to stretch it in place. Patrick strains himself to pick up the ball with his hands fixed at his sides, and then he throws it. The same thing happens, and it bruises his eye. They giggle, and it makes his friend feel better, but SpongeBob is still eager to leave.

 

**PATRICK**

"Here, SpongeBob. This is for you!"

 

Patrick removes his hoop and holds out the seahorse toy for SpongeBob. With SpongeBob's arms tied up, he's unable to take it, so Patrick places it on the edge of his wringer, and when it falls off again he just holds it underarm.

 

**PATRICK**

"I guess I'll carry it. Haha."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Thanks a bunch! You know, you've really made me feel a lot better, Pat. I'm okay now. I think we should go."

 

**PATRICK**

"Go? What're you talking about? We just got here! If you don't like this game, then we can ..uh ..oh! Oh! The spinning steering wheels! Oh, we gotta do that!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I don't know .."

 

**PATRICK**

"Oh, come on! How many times does the carnival come in town?"

 

Patrick puts his arm around SpongeBob and leads him onto the tea cups. He already has his hands on the middle, and SpongeBob is struggling to reach the wheel.

 

**PATRICK**

"Ready?"

 

He waits for him patiently, twiddling his thumbs. SpongeBob is desperately trying to grab it, but it's too high.

 

**PATRICK**

"SpongeBob ..?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Huh? Oh, yeah! Almost got it. Look at me go, haha. I wonder how far my arms can reach."

 

His fingers creep out and manage touch it. Although this is only for a brief moment, as he slips and his hands fall back into position.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Tartar sauce! So close. Let me give it another try--"

 

**PATRICK**

"That's okay, SpongeBob! We can go on another one."

 

Patrick sighs and steps out. Almost having to drag SpongeBob along with him, who is hesitant to leave. Face-to-face with the ride's owner, Patrick fiddles in his rear pockets and reveals a sack from which he pours out a handful of pennies into the man's palm.

 

**PATRICK**

"Here's your refund."

 

The owner peers at the money, and, although he seems confused, takes it gladly.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"But, Patrick, I thought you really wanted on the spinning wheels!"

 

**PATRICK**

"Nah. Forget about those things! They're for, uh, babies! How about the roller coaster!?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Pat. Listen to me. If you want on one of the rides, just go! Really!"

 

At the sound of these words, Patrick's pupils crazily dart around the sights. Drooling. Oh so tempting. Even so, he snaps his head back in place, folds his arms, and roots his feet in the sand.

 

**PATRICK**

"Huff! Well, it doesn't matter what you say. I am NOT going on a ride without you. It's boring and lonely and I won't do it!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Patrick, don't be--"

 

His stomach rumbles as loud as an earthquake.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Ridiculous? ..Y-you haven't eaten all day, have you!?"

 

**PATRICK**

"What?"

 

It goes off again. Patrick looks away, awry.

 

**PATRICK**

"So what if I missed a few snacks? You were hungrier than me, anyway."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Stop thinking about _me_ , Pat, and start thinking about yourself! You know what makes me feel worse? Watching you starve yourself because you're giving me too much attention! It'd be ..(sniff) b-better for the both of us if you left me alone!"

 

**PATRICK**

"I was only trying to help .."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"You've helped enough! Go, have fun! I don't want you to make yourself sick--"

 

**PATRICK**

"I-if that's how you feel ..then I won't help you any more!"

 

Patrick runs off crying out of the carnival. SpongeBob feebly takes chase, but he's already too far away.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Patrick, wait!"

 

He holds out his hand for him to stop, but Patrick never turns back.

 

**INT. SPONGEBOB'S HOUSE - DAY**

Gary has hopped up into a sobbing SpongeBob's lap. Holding a bowl of breakfast and milk in his mouth. He hands it to him, expecting him to take it, but SpongeBob won't stop welling up with tears.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"No, Gary. Down boy. I won't let you feed me, I can do it myself ..AFTER I'M DONE _CRYING_! WAAAH!"

 

He sobs and wails and guffaws endlessly into his armchair's soaked pillow. Bags under his eyes with the lack of sleep, his stomach shrivelling with hunger, and his throat dry and thirsty.

 

**EXT. PATRICK'S HOUSE - DAY**

Down the street, a rock is creaking. Resting under it, exposed, is Patrick brushing his teeth.

 

**PATRICK**

"Forget SpongeBob. I don't need him."

 

He starts chewing on his toothbrush, turning it to narrow brittle.

 

**PATRICK**

"I can do  _whatever_ I want!"

 

Pushing it further into his mouth, he gasps and swallows it whole.

 

**PATRICK**

"I don't need him!"

 

SpongeBob's house. Upon seeing it, he reaches out instinctively. He furrows his brows and pulls his arm back down.

 

**PATRICK**

"Forget it, you're not his friend anymore. Gotta try and keep myself occupied so I don't think about Spon--"

 

He slaps his hands over his mouth.

 

**PATRICK**

"I'M NOT EVEN GOING TO SAY HIS NAME! What to do, what to do ..--I KNOW! A staring contest!"

 

He stares out into the emptiness. A tumbleweed rolls by, and he blinks.

 

**PATRICK**

"GRR! Oh, fiddlesticks! That game's too hard."

 

A thought cloud appears with another Patrick inside it.

 

**IMAGINARY PATRICK**

"Maybe if SpongeBob were here, he could give you pointers!

 

**PATRICK**

"WHO ASKED YOU!?"

 

He claps the cloud between his hands and it evaporates.

 

**PATRICK**

"Forget it! I'll just play, uh ..fetch!"

 

Holding a stick of coral he took from his pocket, he throws it away.

 

**PATRICK**

"Where is it? Where is it? ..Gotchaaa!"

 

He picks it back up, and raises his head. Realising he's now standing right in front of SpongeBob's door. Listening closely, he can hear his ex-friend's long, heart-felt sobs from inside. Patrick looks miserable.

 

**PATRICK**

"Is SpongeBob okay? ..Oh, what do I care! I'm no longer supposed to help."

 

Without noticing it, he finds himself biting his nails. His eyes wander to Squidward's house and he gets an idea.

 

**PATRICK**

"Ohh. But it's only _me_ that can't help."

 

He runs for it and starts drumming on the door.

 

**PATRICK**

"SQUIDWARD! SQUIDWARD, SQUIDWARD, SQUIDWARD!"

 

Squidward slams the door open. Fuming from his nostrils.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"THE ANSWER IS STILL NO!"

 

**PATRICK**

"Wait! Squidward! This isn't about duckie, it's SpongeBob!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Why should I care about Sponge _Doofus_?"

 

**PATRICK**

"He's crying in his living room and I'm not allowed in."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Patrick-proofed his house, huh? I should get that done, too."

 

**PATRICK**

"Please, Squidward! You're his only hope! PLEASE! Yesterday SpongeBob told me I wasn't eating and that I should stop helping him! So he wanted me away and I'm not his friend any more ..but he didn't say that to you! You have to go! You _have_ to!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Ugh ..you moron. Look, if I explain this very simple thing to you, will you PLEASE go away?"

 

**PATRICK**

"Explain what? Does that mean you're coming?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"NO! I'M NOT COMING! Now shut up and listen. The reason SpongeBob told you to stop helping is because you were only thinking about him and not yourself, idiot! In other words, YOU COULD'VE DIED! Okay!?"

 

The door then gets shut in his face.

 

**PATRICK**

"SpongeBob did it because he was worried about me? ..BUDDY!!!"

 

He breaks into SpongeBob's house by throwing open the door. Anxiously peeking inside his unlit living room. Following the sound of wailing cries.

 

**PATRICK**

"SpongeBob!?"

 

He finds SpongeBob still violently sobbing into a pillow.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Oh Pat ..I'm s-s-sorry. I didn't mean to upset you, I was just ..WAAAH-AH-AH-AH! AAAH!"

 

**PATRICK**

"That's okay. I know now."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"No. It's not okay. I told you not to help ..you might get sick, Patrick. I couldn't live with myself if I made that happen to you. You need to go, I'll stay in here forever. Alone. T-T-TAKE GARY WITH YOU! WAAAH!"

 

**PATRICK**

"No, SpongeBob! You're coming out! We're going to play games every day, like always!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"It's the only way, Pat. As long as this thing's on me, my life is over."

 

SpongeBob turns away and buries his head back inside his cushion. Patrick looks at SpongeBob in his wringer, it seems loose ..Patrick tries to pull it off, but the peanut butter is in the way.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"It's useless, Patrick. It's never coming off. Leave me be."

 

Leaning his head close, Patrick starts munching on the hard peanut butter.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Oh ..you probably still haven't eaten, huh. Well, eat up. Eat as much as you want! It's the least I can do for you .."

 

After he's finished, he gets up, wipes his face, and raises his arms around SpongeBob. Lifting the wringer off him and high into the air. Dropping the machine on the floor.

 

**PATRICK**

"SpongeBob."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Go away, Pat."

 

**PATRICK**

"SpongeBob, your ring."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"OH, ENOUGH ABOUT MY WRING--"

 

He gets up off the armchair and raises his fist. His arms are free, and the wringer is gone.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Er .."

 

SpongeBob stares at his chest. He's starved himself so much that he became thin enough to slip right out of it. His eyes slowly light up and a smile takes over his previously gloomy face. He grabs Patrick, gives him a warm hug and cries tears of joy.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Oh, Pat. Oh, Pat, I'm sorry. But, how did you know? You ran away after you thought I--"

 

**PATRICK**

"Uhm. Squidward said that 'you were only thinking about him and not yourself, idiot'."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"You're right! I mean, Squidward's right! I was so concerned about you that I never thought for once about myself! I completely stopped eating and I had no idea ..I gotta thank him! I'm going to work. Later, Pat!"

 

**PATRICK**

"Later."

 

Leaving out the door, Patrick is left with Gary at his side. He claws a piece of expired, solid peanut butter from a gap in his teeth and hands it to him.

 

**PATRICK**

"You want some?"

 

**GARY**

(disgusted)

"Meow .."

 

**INT. THE KRUSTY KRAB - DAY**

Back to normal! SpongeBob is working the kitchen while Mr. Krabs examines him and nods with approval.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Got that sorted out, didn't ya, lad? I'm so glad! I was worried we were gonna have to put up with selling Squidward's sorry excuse for a patty all week ..my finances would've gone down the toilet."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Ahahahaha! I can imagine! Though, speaking of Squidward .."

 

The bright yellow sponge pops his head through the hatch.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Hey! Squidward!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"What."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Thank you."

 

SpongeBob grins. Squidward is dumb-founded, but he forms a slight smirk.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"If you ever need me to chastise you for wearing stupid clothes, just let me know."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Oh, not that! What you said to Patrick! It really helped us out."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"..Whatever. Just make sure your stupidity doesn't force me to work unpaid over time again."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Hahahahaha!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Differences from the original episode:-  
> 1\. The entire opening scene is replaced. This involved; lots of unfunny jokes leading up to when SpongeBob gets stuck in the wringer, Patrick coming in because his duck landed in SpongeBob's house, Patrick SUPER GLUING SPONGEBOB TO THE WRINGER FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON, and more unfunny jokes.  
> 2\. When Squidward gets mustard in his face, it harmlessly stings his eyes, unlike the original where they are burned and FALL OFF.  
> 3\. When the cash register falls onto a customer's foot, their overly long and unfunny dialogue is removed.  
> 4\. Mr. Krabs being cruel to SpongeBob is replaced with him politely sending him home.  
> 5\. Another unfunny joke is removed. God, this episode is so badly written.  
> 6\. Patrick eating his ice cream is removed.  
> 7\. Patrick helps SpongeBob swallow his ice cream. Yeah, he just let him starve in the original. What a jerk.  
> 8\. Patrick eating SpongeBob's ice cream is removed.  
> 9\. Patrick doing nothing about SpongeBob's injured eye is replaced with him intentionally injuring his own eye (although not mainly for SpongeBob's benefit).  
> 10\. Patrick taking the stuffed seahorse for himself is replaced with him giving it to SpongeBob.  
> 11\. Another unfunny joke is removed, and a cruel one at that.  
> 12\. Instead of letting him fly out and injure himself, Patrick stops the spinning ride when he sees SpongeBob can't do it.  
> 13\. Patrick doesn't go on any more rides after the spinning wheels, and so doesn't brag about his 'good luck' to SpongeBob, unlike the original.  
> 14\. The scene of SpongeBob blowing up at Patrick is replaced. This included; occuring a while after the spinning wheels, SpongeBob smacking the cotton candy out of his hand and yelling at Patrick with bad intentions (although justified by how cruel Patrick was), the public coming to watch, SpongeBob making Patrick cry NOT through a misunderstanding, the public turning on SpongeBob and berating him for his completely understandable fit of rage.  
> 15\. A gross and unfunny joke is removed.  
> 16\. Patrick goes to Squidward's house before SpongeBob's, unlike the original.  
> 17\. The entire end scene is replaced. This involved; SpongeBob becomes depressed and insane and Patrick finds him watching TV static, SpongeBob is too 'far gone' and never talks everything over with Patrick, SpongeBob is freed from the wringer and everything is solved by him and Patrick crying together (their tears melt the glue).  
> 18\. This is also part of the end scene, but it's so bad it just deserves it's own entry. SpongeBob says 'I guess crying does solve your problems after all!' and this is the moral of the episode. Like, what!? This has so little to do with the actual episode. Remember the bad joke that I removed right after SpongeBob gets kicked out the Krusty Krab? Yeah. After that scene, Patrick blows away SpongeBob's tears and tells him that crying doesn't solve anything. So they based it off this tiny line that took up about 0.0005% of the episode. Why!? What!? I just don't understand what was going through these writer's heads when they came up with this abomination.  
> 19\. SpongeBob goes to the Krusty Krab to thank Squidward for solving their problems instead of Patrick getting stuck with SpongeBob in the wringer and asks 'Should I get the glue?' as the final note.  
> 20\. The whole moral of the episode is changed.
> 
> Remember when I said The Splinter was the most disgusting thing I'd ever seen? Yeah, well, I was wrong. Out of all the SpongeBob episodes I've watched, this is the absolute worst. You can probably tell since I had to write about 90% of Stuck in the Wringer from scratch. It was so cruel, hard to watch, and really just fundamentally broken. Anyway, since I had to come up with more original stuff here it was pretty fun. The next fix-it will be Little Yellow Book. I think after I'm done with that one, there'll be a long delay before the next chapter since I need to start adding to my other work. See ya.


	3. (Fix-It) Little Yellow Book

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 9 - Episode 182a  
> Originally Aired March 2nd, 2013
> 
> Squidward reads SpongeBob's diary.

**Fix-It 3**

**Little Yellow Book**

 

**INT. KRUSTY KRAB - DAY**

Squidward is looking awfully pleased while standing in front of the cash register.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Hah, yes. Just how I like it. Nice and empty."

 

Viewing the interior of the Krusty Krab, Squidward comes to a single elderly customer who waves at him.

 

**OLD MAN**

"Hey, I'm still here."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Oh, yes-sir-ee. Nice and empty."

 

He looks to the left, then to the right. It seems no one's around to bother him today. He sinks down into his station and presses a button that dispenses a warm, fluffy cushion. He pulls down a painting of a sunset beach and turns on a fan to blow wind in his face. Sipping on some ice cold lemonade decorated with a small umbrella.

 

**CUSTOMER**

"Do you work here?"

 

Spitting out his drink, it splashes all over him and he begrudgingly steps up from his paradise. Sighing.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Welcome to the Krusty--WH-WHAT THE!?"

 

A long waiting line trailing half-way down the room is set out in front of him. Squidward frowns sadly.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Well, there goes my nap. Multiple orders up!--Sponge ..BOB!"

 

Squidward pokes his head through the hatch and examines the kitchen. There's no sign of anyone, so he steps down from his station and goes to look for him.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Wh ..SpongeBob!? Where are you? You need to get out here and make those krabby patties!"

 

He stops by a barrel after hearing SpongeBob's tell-tale prattling laughter. Poking an eye through a tiny hole, he can see that he's in there all right, and scribbling things down into a bright blue book with pink flowers. He doesn't move from his spot, so Squidward grabs a megaphone, puts one end inside the hole and yells as loud as he can.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"SPONGEBOB!"

 

SpongeBob slithers out of the megaphone, having turned into a puddle.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Get it together, SpongeBob. The dining room is full of ravenous customers!"

 

Outside, he's right enough. They've been waiting so long that they're now trying to eat the tables and chairs. As a yellow splat on the floor, SpongeBob goes into the storage room and comes out as his usual cheerful self, carrying with him a handful of raw patties.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I got it!"

 

Once they're all laid out over the cooker, he has his spatula extend it's tip so that he's able to fry them more efficiently. The pressure isn't much at all, as he's humming and whistling, and Squidward's still sulking at the back wall.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Hm. What was that imbecile doing in there ..an old book?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Eek!"

 

He gets a quick look of it, but isn't given enough time to read what's on the cover.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Nothing!"

 

SpongeBob grabs it out of his hands and places it securely over the deep fryer.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"What's going on here?"

 

SpongeBob doesn't answer and just continues with his job. He puts the hot, steamy patties inside his porous body along with mustard, ketchup, buns, among other things. Crawling along the ceiling and dropping off krabby patties on every table. The now happy customers cheer and gobble down their food. The elderly fish opens up his bun.

 

**OLD MAN**

"Excuse me, I wanted pickles on mine."

 

Pressing down on the left side of his head, two fresh slices of pickles squirt out of SpongeBob and land on top. Squidward is watching him, but ducks his head back down to peek at the book.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Hm ..if SpongeBrain is keeping the book away from me, then I have no choice but to read it."

 

He says this with the book in his hands, but SpongeBob passes by right away to seize it back.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I'll take that, thank you!"

 

Later on, SpongeBob is writing in his book. Squidward is staring at him, but the carefree sponge's back is turned. It's hard to get a clear view of what he's doing.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"There he goes again! Scribbling away in that little book! Gr .."

 

He thinks for a minute and comes through carrying a folded paper bag.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Hey, SpongeBob. You need to make a  _delivery_."

 

SpongeBob shuts the book, puts away his pencil and spins round.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Okie-dokie!"

 

Hopping off the barrel, he grabs hold of the take-away and walks out.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"The address is on the bag."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Yeah, I got it."

 

When he's out of the room, Squidward whistles and sneaks over to where he was previously sitting with a devious grin. Rummaging around, he finds the book and gets a good look at the cover.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"It's a DIARY! Oh-ho-ho, this is gonna be good."

 

He tries to turn it open to the first page, but a metal strip holds it in place.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Drat, it's locked."

 

He makes some vain effort to force it open with his bare hands.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Hmm. I need a hairpin."

 

Plucking one from Mr. Krabs, unravelling a frizzy, grey afro, Squidward prods and pokes it around inside the keyhole until the lock slides off.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"And now, the diary of a moron ..oh--wait ..if I read this, it would make me a  _horrible_ person."

 

He stares at it and puffs out his nose.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"But since it's just SpongeBob, I guess I can live with that."

 

Squidward opens it up to the most recent page and discovers fairly neat handwriting in all-caps.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"'Dear diary. What an amazing day ..'"

 

**SPONGEBOB (V.O)**

"I've had! This morning, I was greeted by my nearest and dearest neighbour, Squidward. He had some very important news he was just _bursting_ to share! He had decided that today would be the perfect day to deliver his profound opinions on how to properly raise and care for a household pet."

 

It's addressed to this morning, and Squidward can clearly recall. This is when he found Gary off his leash and chewing on the music records in his house.

 

**SPONGEBOB (V.O)**

"Specifically, what NOT to feed them! The list was  _very_ thorough. Needless to say, this was all very enlightening! It warms my heart to know that Squidward thinks we're close enough to use the harshest words in his critique. Horrible words that should never be used around strangers, who may not know how well intentioned those words are."

 

Squidward goes right up in his face to scream at SpongeBob, who maintains the same sunny disposition throughout.

 

**SPONGEBOB (V.O)**

"Knowing I have a tendency to dawdle, Gary caught our conversation short."

 

He then ferociously takes a bite at Squidward's hand. Gary's temper having peaked after watching SpongeBob simply stand and do nothing to stand up to his neighbour.

 

**SPONGEBOB (V.O)**

"And I was hurried along to work, where I arrived only an hour and a half early, for what may be my favourite day of the year! CLEANING DAY! Together Mr. Krabs and I scrubbed every inch of the Krusty Krab. And, finally, with a little elbow grease, we were able to get into even the tightest spots. Ah, yes, cuh-leaning day!"

 

Back to the present. Squidward is astonished after what he's just read.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Great Neptune. I had  _no_ idea. The depth of his delusion is awe-inspiring!"

 

Squidward digs back into the book, dying for more, but SpongeBob walks in.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Oh, Squidward! You are gonna  _laugh_ when you hear where I've ..been."

 

Ducked down underneath the cash register, Squidward eyes the diary and starts sweating.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Squidward? Where are you? I could've swore I just saw him."

 

He comes back up holding a plunger and a coat hanger. His hat is unusually large and book-shaped.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"SpongeBob! Uhh, one of the customers dropped his watch in a toilet aaand I need you to fish it out."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Duty calls!"

 

SpongeBob does as he's told. Squidward takes the book out of his hat and giggles, and is slow to take notice of the tall, menacing, lumbering man in front of him.

 

**CUSTOMER**

"You laughing at me?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"What? Oh! No, no, no! I was just reading this ..joke book. It's hilarious."

 

**CUSTOMER**

"Oh right. Well, could I get a krabby patty?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Just a minute, our fry cook is having some fun in the back. I'll go join him, UH, get him."

 

Squidward runs into the kitchen and climbs into the barrel so he can continue reading.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"'I named my spatula Fifi'!? Pfft, hah hah hah! I'll bet he'd be so ashamed if he knew anyone found out. He'd probably do anything to keep it a secret .."

 

A wicked idea runs across his mind while his eyes rest on the spatula on top of the grill.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Right ..secret .."

 

Squidward goes into the bathroom to find SpongeBob still fishing in the toilet. He comes out of the cubicle carrying a pile of junk, with an old man sitting on top of it.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Ohh SpongeBob!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Hey, Squidward. I couldn't find that watch anywhere. All I found was this stuff. Are you sure they dropped it down a toilet?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Nevermind that. You left Daisyon the grill."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Daisy? I don't know anyone called Daisy."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Oh. Or was it,  _Fifi_."

 

SpongeBob gasps at the spatula Squidward is holding and takes it from him. Snuggling it.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Fifi! Sorry, I left you ..--uh ..uh, uhm!"

 

He watches as Squidward's face sprouts a wide grin.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Squidward! Uh, ehm, wha-- ..h-h-how did you know!?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"It was just a wild guess. You seem like the kind of sponge, after all, that would be dumb enough to name inanimate objects."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Wow, you're so smart, Squidward! Since you're one of my bestest best friends, it's fine that you know ..since I trust you enough not to tell anyone. You won't, will you?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Of course not. But that's a mighty big burden you're placing on me, you know. Don't you think I deserve some sort of compensation?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Compensation? Uh, what would you suggest, Squidward?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Let's see ..keep away from me at all times; don't talk to me, give me notes, sign language, or attempt any form of communication. Don't touch me, don't even  _look_ at me. Pretend that I don't exist and I'll be nice and do the same for you, okay? Think you can do all that, SpongeBob?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I can, but .."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"But what? Do you want me to keep your precious Fifi a secret or not?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"..Well, how do I put this ..I knew you were never quite exactly the kind of person that gets called the 'people type', but, I'm your friend! Don't you think it's a little extreme?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"You're not my friend."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Of course I am. And I'm here for you, always."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Give it a few days and you'll be _completely_ over it. Some isolation ought to bring you back to reality."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"You would know about that, wouldn't you, Squidward?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"GRR! Oh! So you'd rather I tell everyone. Fine, then!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"No, Squidward! Come back! ..I-I promise I'll do everything you said, really!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Good."

 

It's the same day at the Krusty Krab, but the atmosphere is completely different. Squidward is routinely doing his job at the register. SpongeBob is passing plates of food through to him, and this time he's dead silent. All that escapes his lips is a slight hum. The whole time, Squidward has the biggest smile he's ever had. Now  _this_ is paradise. A few days pass of the same oddities, and Mr. Krabs starts to look more and more concerned. Finally, SpongeBob looks straight at Squidward through the hatch. A little nervously, at that.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Uh, Squidward?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Wow. It's been so long that I'm hearing voices in my head."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Squidward. It's me."

 

He pokes him and Squidward snaps out of it.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Huh? SPONGEBOB!? What did I say? I warned you!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Squidward, this is kinda important. I really gotta tell you this."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"You can tell me, but that means the whole of Bikini Bottom is gonna know about your spatula."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"That's fine, because I don't care anymore. Really! I don't mind! I'm over it. It's exactly as you said! Worked like a charm, you know? Oh, Squidward, you're such a good friend!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"What're you talking about?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"My spatula, remember? I've been telling everyone all about it! It's off my chest and out in the open now."

 

Mr. Krabs scuttles over and sees SpongeBob hanging outside the kitchen holding his spatula.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Lad! Get yourself and that Fifi back in there!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Right away, Mr. Krabs!"

 

Squidward is dumbfounded. SpongeBob slinks down.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"What ..?"

 

SpongeBob starts tossing patties again.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"What helped was the pressure of not being able to talk to you any more! I value my friends _much_ more than some silly old secret."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Yeah, hahaha ..that's good SpongeBob. _Very_ good .."

 

He slowly turns round. His face completely frozen with shock.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Oh, what am I gonna do? I want that peaceful, quiet life back, with no SpongeBob! Hah ..hah ..I gotta ..I gotta find more secrets. Such horrifying secrets that SpongeBob will never open his mouth to me again!"

 

Stilling in thought, he bursts into the kitchen. While SpongeBob's back is turned, he sneaks around. Hiding behind a cupboard, and then a pile of boxes, and finally inside the barrel. The diary is locked, so his arm creeps out of the hole and grabs a fry from the floor which somehow manages to open it.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Let's see ..hm ..day one, no, two, no. No, no! Where's all the good stuff?--Ahhh!"

 

Squidward hops out the barrel, leaving the diary behind. SpongeBob sees him.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Oh, hi, Squidward. I like being in there too. It's cosy."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Uhm, yes, well, I have something I need to talk to you about."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"And what's that, dear friend? Hehehe!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Let's say, uh ..a few nights ago. I happened to be wandering by, and, I believe I caught someone dancing in Mr. Krabs' office."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I n-n-never knew Mr. Krabs liked dancing! Hahahahaha."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Oh, no. It wasn't Mr. Krabs. It was someone who was small, yellow, square-shaped, and wearing nothing but his underwear. Actually they looked a lot like y--"

 

SpongeBob looks up at his face, puppy-dog eyed hyperventilating.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Squidward! Please don't tell anyone! It's too embarrassing! ..It was me! I admit it! Whenever everyone's out, and it's late at work, you know ..I p-p-practice my dancing with all the curtains up and the lights turned off and I ..you saw me from the cabinet, didn't you?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Uh, yeah."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"You know so much about me, Squidward. I knew you were smart but it's like you have a sixth sense or something. The only way most people would be able to figure this stuff out is if they read my diary."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Haha. So, you remember that deal we had last time?--"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"It's kind of unfair when I think about it. I'm revealing to you all my deepest, darkest secrets and you haven't told me much about yourself. Do you have anything you really don't want anyone to know, buddy?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Even if I did, the  _last_ person I'd tell is you."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Good point! You don't have any reason to tell me, because I already know almost everything about you! Hahahaha!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"..Like what?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"For starters, you once tried to get married to your clarinet, Clarey. But they wouldn't accept the form because you need a second signature, and clarinets can't write."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"WHAT? Th-that's completely untrue! The very thought of doing something so completely and utterly PATHETIC as marrying a piece of WOOD has never crossed my mind in my entire life! I'm going home!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I'm sorry, Squidward! I won't tell anyone!"

 

He marches all the way back home. That night, he looks at the clarinet on top of his bedside table. Grabbing it and holding it to his chest with his pupils crazed and dilated.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"He knows."

 

Sitting up straight in bed, he reaches over to go through his drawers. He's looking for something.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"It's impossible. I never told anyone ..not even myself! I've been ..keeping it locked away in my head for years, haha, just in case someone could read my mind."

 

He pauses, and freezes in position. His legs hanging from the bedside and hand drooping over the knob of one of the bottom drawers.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Can SpongeBob read minds?--No, that's insane! He must've read .. _my_ diary!"

 

Horrified by the sight, he has his hands around his old diary. Something looks off.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"It seems less dusty than I remember it .."

 

He opens the first few pages, and comes across a line mentioning his attempted marriage. Squidward gasps.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Here it is! Ohh ..that dirty sponge ..revenge, huh? I'll show  _him_!"

 

Putting it on his dresser and covering it with his hand, Squidward tries to fall asleep. He keeps looking at it, over and over again. His eyes just won't shut. He hears SpongeBob's annoying laugh ..and sees a square shadow in the hallway.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"SPONGEBOB, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"

 

He goes up to the shadow with his eyes closed, and holding his diary as a weapon. Tilting his head down a few inches to see whatever's stuck outside.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Oh. It's just a slice of toast from yesterday .."

 

Squidward removes the square bread perfectly leaning against the edge of his bedroom door and tosses it in a bin. Feeling stuipid, he goes back to bed. He whinges. The laughing wont stop. He clutches the diary to his chest and turns over in his sleep, his eyes wide open.

 

**INT. THE KRUSTY KRAB - DAY**

Squidward yawns at his desk and looks tired. He takes a peak at the small diary stuffed in his shirt. He was so worried about SpongeBob getting his hands on it that he took it with him. When SpongeBob walks by, he hides it again.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Morning, Squidward!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"(sigh) Morning."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Are you feeling better now?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"No."

 

His hands feel for his diary, almost in reassurance.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"I have a request."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Ask away! Anything for _you_ , Squidward!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"What else do you know about me?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Uh ..your name is Squidward?"

 

He snarls. It's too early for this.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Something nobody else knows. Something even you shouldn't know. A secret, if you will."

 

SpongeBob smiles and snaps his fingers.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"That's easy! (whispers) For example, I've always known .."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Yes .."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"That your favourite drink is tea! Hahahahaha!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"What? That's not a secret!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I guess not. I just remembering reading it somewhere. Oh, maybe it was on your new year's resolution!"

 

Facing away from SpongeBob, Squidward pulls out his diary. Ignoring him and opening it up to the very first page. Right near the top is 'I love tea'. He narrows his eyes.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"So, it's true. You really  _did_ take my diary! To get back at me!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I--what?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"That's right! After I read your diary and used it to make fun of you, you thought you'd take mine and try to give me a taste of my own medicine, huh!? You were gonna tell everyone about how I was going to marry a clarinet, weren't you?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Oh, Squiddy! You're such a riot! There's no way you could've read my diary. It's locked!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"What's this, then!?"

 

He appears in a flash with SpongeBob's diary. Opening it, and clearly exposing that the lock is off.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"I read everything in there! About your spatula, about you dancing half-naked. Everything! I was just using it as blackmail to get you to leave me alone. And you were in on it the whole time!"

 

SpongeBob's smile fades. He barely manages to stop himself from crying out loud.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"SQUIDWARD! HOW COULD YOU!?"

 

Shoving past him, he runs out. Squidward is stumped. Mr. Krabs glares at Squidward after all he's just heard.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"That's low, Squidward ..even for you."

 

All the customers are watching him. Squidward looks down and stares at his diary. He sniffles and his heart pangs with regret.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"SpongeBob isn't the kind of person who'd read someone else's diary ..I AM! SPONGEBOB~!"

 

Squidward chases after him. After looking around, he finds him sitting curled up on a bench.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Hi, Squidward ..I know you're here to apologise .."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Apologise? What makes you think I'd!?--"

 

SpongeBob's eyes are turned up to him, and go all watery again.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"I guess ..it's .. _kind_ of an apology."

 

He quietly sits on the bench next to him. SpongeBob scoots closer.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Since, uh, you wanted to know more about me earlier ..you can have this."

 

Arms trembling, whole body shaking, Squidward is clearly so unwilling to do this. But he knows he has to. He hands over his diary, and SpongeBob's mouth and eyes open wide.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"You mean it!?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Unfortunately, yes."

 

SpongeBob touches the cover and prepares to open it, but suddenly stops himself.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"No, Squidward! I can't read this until you give me your  _express_ permission!"

 

Squidward raises his hand, slightly irritated.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"I decree that you, SpongeBob SquarePants, may read my diary. In it's entirety. Happy now?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Oh, boy! Squidward, I am honoured. This is so kind of you considering the diary you read was just my work diary and not my secret personal diary. Now, that would've been _really_ embarrassing."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"What!?"

 

He opens to the first page. Squidward jumps up and suddenly tries to take it back off him.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"'Dear Diary! I love tea! When I was younger--'"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"SpongeBob! Wait! I changed my mind! Give it back! NOOO!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Differences from the original episode:-  
> 1\. Bad pun is removed.  
> 2\. Squidward considers his actions instead of immediately going on to read SpongeBob's diary.  
> 3\. Scene of Squidward kicking SpongeBob all the way to the Krusty Krab in the diary narration is removed.  
> 4\. Scene of SpongeBob visiting the address of the delivery, a dumpster, is removed. Unfortunately this was at the cost of a funny moment in which SpongeBob calls Squidward gullible, but it was worth it since it didn't add much to the story.  
> 5\. The scene of Squidward reading the secrets in SpongeBob's diary is replaced. This included; Squidward revealing the secrets to EVERYONE in the Krusty Krab. All the customers laugh at him, and this publicly humiliates SpongeBob. Also, the secrets overall were changed since two thirds of them were stupid and unfunny. For the first, SpongeBob apparently clucks like a chicken when he sees plaid, and he strips down to dance in his underwear whenever he hears the Bikini Bottom anthem. After all this, SpongeBob runs out crying and Squidward is berated for reading his diary even though all the customers were laughing at it too.  
> 6\. Basically the entire second half of the episode is rewritten.  
> 7\. Instead of Squidward embarrassing SpongeBob with his secrets in front of everyone, he uses the fact that he's hiding it to blackmail SpongeBob into leaving him alone.  
> 8\. Instead of Squidward causing SpongeBob to run out crying by embarrassing him, he reveals that he read his diary and also how he's convinced SpongeBob read his own and this is enough to put him in tears.  
> 9\. Squidward immediately feels guilty (which is more in character for him) and goes to console SpongeBob, unlike the original where he only does so to restore his reputation.  
> 10\. Squidward lets SpongeBob read his own diary, unlike the original where he only gives an insincere apology and then goes on to laugh at SpongeBob's personal diary, which causes him to run off crying again.  
> 11\. The whole idea of Squidward being shamed by everyone in Bikini Bottom for being a 'diary reader' is removed.  
> 12\. In the original episode, Squidward never learns his lesson by the end and therefore there is no moral. What an evil episode, sheesh. Instead, the moral is to always ask permission. Squidward learns the error of his ways by letting SpongeBob read his own diary to make it up to him.
> 
> This episode was another one with bad morals. A lot of the time in modern SpongeBob, Squidward is the only likeable character, but this instance showed that even he wasn't immune to being cruel and out of character. I'm happy that I managed to dial down the mean-spirited tone of Little Yellow Book so much. As I said last time, the chapter after this one is going to take a while longer to get out than usual. And it's more likely to be an original than a fix-it. See ya around and thanks for reading.


	4. (Original) Moron Melodies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Original episode.
> 
> Squidward and SpongeBob practice music.

**Original 1**

**Moron Melodies**

 

**INT. SQUIDWARD'S HOUSE - DAY**

Squidward is sleeping in his house. He wakes up from a good nap, cuddling into his pillow and bed covers.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Mmm, so warm ..so soft .."

 

Still half asleep, he rolls over to face opposite his alarm clock. Partially opening his eyes, and stretching out his arms, he embraces this brief moment of complete silence that is ended by his alarm having been mistakenly set the night before.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Huh? Hu--wha--what?"

 

He turns over again and groans. After wiggling about to finger the switch, it finally turns off. He smiles, and draws back his hand, but it's stuck to the alarm clock. Lifting it into the air and vigorously shaking it, the clock still won't let go. He uses his other hand to pull it off, looking confused.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Hmph."

 

Squidward dismisses it and then confortably lies his head on the plush pillow. Now the phone is ringing.

Grumbling, he sits up and he tries to slide onto the floor. He's halted by his own hands that are sticking to the bedside. After frustratedly struggling to remove them, he walks around in his slippers. His tentacles feel itchy and uncomfortable. He tries to pull the slipper off, but, instead, it stretches some long, thin layer of transluscent skin.

He lets go and the slipper snaps back. But he had done so too quickly, and it knocks him off his feet.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"WOAAAH!"

 

Squidward falls and face plants in front of his phone. He reaches a hand to touch it but it stops ringing while he's an inch away. He smashes his clenched fist into the dresser, but after spotting his clarinet across the room, he calms down and smiles.

Carefully pulling the clarinet from the wall with both hands, he treats it as though it were fine china. When he tries to move his hands up and down, his suction cups are sticking too tightly again. He pulls them off, puts them back down, and finds his grip is still a little stiff, but to the extent that he's able to play.

He starts with a song straight from his book, but a few seconds in and he's already tired of it.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Time to write one of my elusive originals!"

 

Squidward spritely clicks open a pen, puts it to a blank sheet and prepares to jot down some new tunes. Before he can start, however, he hears the door bell ring from downstairs. Slamming down the pen, he storms towards his living room.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"SPONGEBOB! That better not be you!"

 

He hesitantly draws the door and sighs at what he sees.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"What a surprise."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Hi, Squidward!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"SpongeBob, you have three seconds to explain why you're here before I remove you myself. Starting ..now."

 

Squidward looks down at his wrist, and SpongeBob does too.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Squidward, you're not wearing a watch."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"I know. I'm just holding my arm like this to put more pressure on you, but it doesn't seem to be working.--Oh, your time is up."

 

He picks him up and carries SpongeBob out of the doorway and into his garden.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Squidward. I heard lots of crying and screaming and yelling coming from your house, and it sounded like a baby or something. I was worried so--"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"I'm fine."

 

Squidward tries to drop him down, but he forgot how sticky his suction cups were today. Trying to pull him off to no avail.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Oh, not again."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Are you not letting go on purpose?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Just get off of me!"

 

SpongeBob stretches out while Squidward furiously grapples with him. The sponge only makes himself longer, though, and isn't able to detach from Squidward's hand. SpongeBob, curious, pokes a finger at his suction cups and snaps it back. Pulling on the same odd looking skin.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Ew, what is that?"

  

Turning round, Squidward twists his arm, and SpongeBob falls off. However he still manages to stay attached by the drooping skin, and he hangs from it.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"The stuff on your hands and feet. It looks like tape or something."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"(sigh) No, SpongeBob, I'm--ow."

 

The skin holding SpongeBob in mid-air slips lower and lower. It's putting a lot of pressure on Squidward's hand, and he grabs it as it starts to come off SpongeBob.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Ow! You're pulling on it! Stop--OOW!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Sorry."

 

It finally lets SpongeBob go. Squidward glares at him, who is lying grinning with his back on the ground, but he bares his teeth and holds in his anger and general rotten mood.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"As I was saying. My suction cups are shedding, and the last time was, uhh, a few weeks ..I guess."

 

Squidward walks towards his house. SpongeBob grabs one of Squidward's legs and is dragged along.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I can tell! It looks really baaa--"

 

SpongeBob catches sight of foot, which is now sparkling and shiny.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"..Good! Gee, Squidward, it's so smooth!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Yeah? Well, it's not supposed to be. Suction cups should be sticky, not smooth!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"But it _is_ sticky, Squidward! How else would it leave such a perfect trail across the ground?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Huh?"

 

He looks down behind him. SpongeBob's right, all of the skin on his feet has come off. Leaving him with silky, slippery smooth tentacles. The skin only remains on his hands. He starts to wobble and lose balance since his feet are so slippery, and they slide out of his footwear. Squidward uses his hands to support himself in the doorway.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"SPONGEBOB! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"What? It is!?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"If you hadn't forced me outside, then it never would've ..GRR! Idiot!"

 

Skidding on the floorboards, Squidward starts to drop down. His legs are trembling and he's struggling to simply stand up right. He tries to walk by holding on to the wall, but his hands aren't enough and he just lands in a heap by the open door.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Now I can hardly take two steps around my house without falling over my own four feet!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I'm sorry, Squidward! I didn't mean to! Uh, is there anything I can do?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"It's okay, SpongeBob. It's only .."

 

Squidward looks down at his wrist again but remembers he still doesn't have a watch.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Probably about ten in the morning, and my day is already ruined. Go home."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"With you like this!? You can't even stand up!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Sure I can .."

 

He supports himself by spreading out each of his legs for perfect balance. Even so, after moving one muscle he just collapses again.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Maybe not. I'll just crawl."

 

Squidward pulls himself across the ground before SpongeBob, entering the kitchen.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"How are you gonna eat?"

 

He eyes up to the cabinets above him containing food and cereal. It's simply too high. Squidward frowns.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"I won't. Now, get out of my house!"

 

SpongeBob hangs his head and sadly leaves outside.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Okay, Squidward. I'll ..--wait!"

  
Having just opened the door, he quickly shuts it again and gasps.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Squidward! How are you going to get upstairs so you can play your clarinet!?"

 

Squidward is attempting to climb up the stairs, but he just slides back down. His surprise turns into a look of disapproval, as, moments later, SpongeBob is sitting in his room on a stool and Squidward is laying in bed holding his clarinet. SpongeBob has the pen and paper at hand.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Alright ..a deal's a deal. SpongeBob, you can help me, but I want you to write down _everything_ I say."

 

SpongeBob nods and his hand starts moving.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Each and every note, exactly as I tell you. Okay? Musical. Notes."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"So not each and every word of yours I've been writing down just now?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"NO!"

 

He flinches and tosses away the scrunched up sheet of paper.

 

  **SQUIDWARD**

"Now, SpongeBob--and do not write that--start it with a _clef_."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Got it."

 

SpongeBob starts scribbling something down.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"I have an idea. The song is in major, obviously. Put two fours, one on top of the other. First, do an E quarter. Then after it, a half note on the same line and then a dot. You got all that? ..SpongeBob?"

 

He's still writing. Squidward furrows his brows.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"It's just two notes, SpongeBob! You're not writing a masterpiece. At least I wouldn't expect you to write one unless you're me."

 

SpongeBob holds up the sheet music for him with a proud grin. Much more complex than he had instructed, and the entire page is half-full, with only the first couple of notes being what he ordered.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"How's this, Squidward?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"SpongeBob. Where'd you get all this from!? It's not even close to what I said! Ugh. You know what? I don't care! Do what you want, and I'll improvise with your garbage."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Sure!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Wake me up when you're done."

 

Squidward slides his clarinet onto an adjacent drawer and smothers his face into the pillow. His back to the ceiling. He looks at his alarm clock, which displays 10:18. Closing his eyes and tucking himself in, he feels SpongeBob tap his shoulder.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Psst! Squidward! Look!"

 

Sitting up groggily and looking at the clock, he reads 10:19. Bags form under his eyes.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"So you're telling me you wrote a complete symphony in under a minute?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Uh-huh. I call it 'Squidward's Get Your Stickiness Back Song'! It's a bit rough around the edges, though. What do you think?"

 

SpongeBob raises the finished sheet up to his face. Squidward groans. It's way more elaborate than he could ever manage.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"What on earth ..I don't know if I can even play this."

 

He squints his eyes. There's so many notes, and in orders he's never tried before.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Well, if it's too hard for you, then--"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Oh, forget what I said! It's not hard! Put it up already!"

 

SpongeBob shrugs and walks over to place it on the stand in front of Squidward's bed.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Whatever you say, Squid."

 

Squidward stares at it, and SpongeBob patiently waits for him to start playing. Putting the clarinet to his lips, he makes a good attempt at the first few notes. But it soon devolves into a complete mess. He tries it again, repeating the same mistakes. SpongeBob winces.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Do you want any help?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"No! I can practice it on my own!"

 

He plays it once more. It just seems to get worse and worse, and SpongeBob subtly covers his porous ears. Squidward continues playing, shooting a glare at SpongeBob to keep him quiet. It works, but this makes SpongeBob annoyed. SpongeBob grabs Squidward's hands and forcefully repositions them along the clarinet. Squidward swats the interloper away.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"SPONGEBOB!--Oh."

 

Squidward then tries playing, and it sounds fine. He smiles and relaxes.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"It  _wasn't_ thanks to you."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Hahahaha! Sure, Squiddy! Now, try this part."

 

His practice continues for the rest of the day, with SpongeBob giving him a lot of good advice, no matter how much Squidward doesn't want to take it. He's forced to listen.

 

**EXT - SQUIDWARD'S HOUSE - DAY**

In the early morning, SpongeBob is coming over to check up on Squidward. While walking up to his house, Squidward appears in the window. Wobbling. Inside, he's struggling to push a chair up.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Squidward. Hm, what's he up to?"

 

He holds his clarinet and looks like he's waiting on someone. Squidward's eyes light up as some people walk down the street. Squidward peers at the music stand perched in front of him, with SpongeBob's song on it.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Hey! Squidward!--"

 

SpongeBob jumps up and waves, but Squidward can't hear him over the sound of his music. The passer-bies hear this and pay Squidward no mind. Continuing to walk down the street. SpongeBob is quietly watching everything unfold.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Come back!"

 

Squidward snarls and quickly starts playing the song louder to get their attention. The group of three people hear it, stand and watch. After a short time passes, they start to look disinterested.

 

"Hey, you! Stop playing that awful noise!"

 

Another one pipes up.

 

"Yeah. I don't understand it at all."

 

He looks glum and incredibly disappointed after all his hard work. So does SpongeBob. This turns to anger, as Squidward shakes his fist at them.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Well, I don't understand you either! How can you not see talent when it's right under your nose!?"

 

SpongeBob looks down at himself and smirks.

 

"I don't see anything under that big one of yours."

 

Frustrated at his easily unimpressed audience, Squidward grabs another sheet and tries again. The music is his own, and far more simplistic. Though marginally worse.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Ahhh. Squidward's music is so beautiful."

 

The three strangers actually stop to appreciate it. Discussing with each other, then shrugging and walking off.

 

"A little better. Keep trying, pal!"

 

Squidward looks a bit happy at the compliment, but still is eager to chase them off the street.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Right! Now get lost!"

 

They strut away and Squidward sticks his tongue out. SpongeBob is thinking to himself. He gets a look of determination, and chases after the strangers.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Wait! Listen to this!"

 

SpongeBob plucks a bubble out of the air and forms it into a clarinet. He starts playing his own tune, and the people grunt and walk away.

 

"We don't want anymore of this nonsense, kid. Practice in your own time."

  
SpongeBob looks sad and his bubble clarinet pops.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Oh, sure, Squiddy's  _is_ pretty great. But mine is just as good, if not better! I'll PROVE it!"

 

Running back to his pineapple, Squidward catches sight of him while he's clinging to the wall.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"SpongeBob! What're you doing way over there!? Hey! Come back! I ne--uh ..slightly ..require you! SpongeBob!?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Later, Squidward~!"

 

Squidward frowns, looking at his music stand. Attempting to change it, but he's still slippery all over, so he trips up again.

 

**INT. THE KRUSTY KRAB - DAY**

The work day has just started. SpongeBob is sitting back in the cash register reading from a long, educational book about music. Duly nodding at it. Mr. Krabs goes out of his office to admire the tip top shape of the Krusty Krab, and, in doing so, comes across SpongeBob in his odd positon.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"What're you doing outside the kitchen, lad? And where's Mr. Squidward?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Oh. He's shedding. He can't come into work today."

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Shedding? Eugh. Alright. I hope you're prepared to work double shift for no extra charge."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"On it, Mr. K!"

 

Mr. Krabs gets a peek at the book SpongeBob's reading. Rolling his eyes and scuttling off.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Oh boy. Squidward's awful taste is already rubbing off on ya."

 

As customers start rolling in, SpongeBob jumps between the register and the kitchen. The whole time, he has his own clarinet, which is different from Squidward's, in his mouth, and is playing it to a sheet of music.

When SpongeBob hands out the meals, customers give him an annoyed look. He continues with his day, slightly overworking himself. It's the evening now, and one of the last few customers approaches the register. SpongeBob is still in the kitchen, and is trying to write down some notes onto the music he's labelled 'Squidward's Get Your Stickiness Back Song Part Two', as fast as he can.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"They didn't seem to like my style so ..(snaps fingers) I should make it more like Squidward's!"

 

SpongeBob begins to turn the song into a shambles. Meanwhile, the customer is still waiting at the front desk. He spots SpongeBob as he had raised his head into view of the window.

 

**CUSTOMER**

"Hey, yellow guy! Can I get served?"

 

The sponge jogs through, a tired smile on his face.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Of course! Right away!"

 

When he makes it into the station, SpongeBob pops out his clarinet to play some more notes. The customer has to stand meanwhile, and he impatiently taps his fingers on the counter. SpongeBob looks at the sheet, flips out a pen and crosses out some more lines. Completely oblivious to the man's presence.

 

**CUSTOMER**

"Excuse me."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"A moment, sir! Won't you listen to this first?"

 

**CUSTOMER**

"If I do, will it get me my one krabby patty, soda, and some fries? I'm starving here!"

 

SpongeBob holds up a finger and plays. It really is Squidward's style, as a lot of it is out of tune. The customer covers his ears.

 

**CUSTOMER**

"Enough, enough!"

 

With a big dejected frown, SpongeBob hesitates to lower his clarinet.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Enough? But, there's still twenty minutes of it left to go."

 

**CUSTOMER**

"Twenty minutes!? It's hard enough to listen to it for more than one second. Now, about my--"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"That's IT, sir! You're a _genius_! All I need is to do shorten it!"

 

**CUSTOMER**

"No! Please, no more--!"

 

SpongeBob blows out a single note. Just one. The customer blinks.

 

**CUSTOMER**

"Can I have my food now?"

 

He looks down and slowly nods. It's hopeless. He steps out of the boat.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Gotta beat Squidward. Gotta beat Squidward. Gotta beat--"

 

SpongeBob walks into Squidward. His eyes covered by his brown shirt. He flails his arms about, and Squidward shrinks back so SpongeBob can see.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Hey, Squidward!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Is that an impression of me?"

 

He points to SpongeBob holding sheet music, a clarinet, and having just exited the register desk.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Hahahahaha! So, are your legs better now?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Uh, yeah. Otherwise I wouldn't be here."

 

SpongeBob runs into the kitchen. Squidward returns to his station, and the customer looks at him disappointingly.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"What!?"

 

The sponge comes frantically running out with a tray of food and drink. Handing it to the customer and saluting. Afterwards, SpongeBob adds some finishing touches to his music.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Aha! Done! It's perfect ..last time, I just didn't put as much effort into it! Right! That's all it was!"

 

SpongeBob hops onto a table where another customer is eating his krabby patty.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Everyone! Get ready to listen to the REAL greatest clarinet player in Bikini Bottom, SpongeBob SquarePants!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"C-clarinet? SpongeBob, what is the meaning of this!? And get down from that table! It's unhygienic!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"No, Squidward. Don't distract me. This is my calling. I will prove to the world that my music  _is_ better than yours!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Huuuh?"

 

He then plays his long, drawn out song into the speaker at the register. The customer from earlier sighs and walks out right away. All the other customers follow behind him. Squidward is actually enjoying it, and sits down to listen. The song finishes and SpongeBob stretches out his arms and takes a bow, expecting the restaurant to be full of his audience. Only to find a lonely Squidward in the front row. SpongeBob starts to cry.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"WAAAH! NOBODY LIKES MY MUSIC, SQUIDWARD! WHY!?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Now you understand how it feels to be me. The dregs of society like those fools will never appreciate  _true_ music and artistic vision."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"You're wrong, Squidward ..there's always someone out there that will like it! No matter how far away they may be. All the people that like mine, I guess th-they're on the other side of the planet. Or the galaxy. Squidward, do you like my music?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"No."

 

There is now a small crowd of music professors and conductors sitting in a corner of the Krusty Krab. They clap and cheer at SpongeBob's performance, and this brings up his spirits.

 

"But we do!"

 

"Right. Don't listen to those folks who can't see class. We're professionals."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"P-p-p-professionals? I swear, there was nobody in here just a moment ago!"

 

"We came when we heard your friend's  _fantastic_ solo--"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Hold on, wait right there! Don't move!"

 

Squidward, slipping and sliding all over the floor, makes it to SpongeBob and grabs his instrument.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"SpongeBob, you've got to give me your clarinet."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Are you going to play a song?"

 

He takes it off him.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"No! I'm going to unplug the toilet with it! What do you think, barnacle head!?"

 

Squidward holds the clarinet closer to his mouth. The cheering of the professionals grows even louder as they wait in anticipation.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Watch and learn. You wanna practice the clarinet, right?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"YEAH! And I wanna become an even better clarinet player than you!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"It's nice to have unattainable dreams. Hold up my music for me, SpongeBob."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Gotcha, Squid!"

 

SpongeBob rummages through the book and pulls out Squidward's own song. SpongeBob transforms into a music stand and the sheet lands on top of him. The professionals pull their seats in closer. He starts playing, and their looks of excitement fade in an instant. They all walk out, and Squidward can only watch them go.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Come on, that was just a warm up. Please come back ..?"

 

Sniffling, he drops to the floor on his knees and the door slams.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"I just ..!"

 

SpongeBob pops out of his music stand form, looking sad for him. Squidward sobs into SpongeBob and his friend's tears pour from every hole.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"WAAAH! NOBODY LIKES MY MUSIC, SPONGEBOB! WHY!?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I like your music, Squidward."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"You don't count! You like everything! Waaah!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Lighten up, Squiddy! Uh, look, ..why don't you finish the song? Play it, just for me! Pretty please?"

 

Squidward plays a short, passionate tune on SpongeBob's clarinet. Without him noticing, customers are starting to flood back in.

 

"Hey! It's not that boring one from before!"

 

SpongeBob is upset in understanding that his isn't as popular, but manages to smile weakly at Squidward.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"That's right. Keep playing, Squidward. The people love it!"

 

Squidward slowly removes the clarinet from his mouth and sighs.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"What people ..?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"The ones all around you that came back after they heard how well you play!"

 

He sees them and gasps. Further driven to tears, although this time they're out of joy. Squidward rubs his nose.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"You were right, SpongeBob."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Yeah. You win."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"The stupidity award for actually agreeing with something you said?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"No. The people's appreciation. You're better than me after all!"

 

Squidward thinks for a minute.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"This isn't what I wanted, though. I want to be understood by the greatest musicians of the modern era. Not a bunch of nobodies."

 

"Well, then!"

 

The customers walk out again and Squidward seems satisfied by this. SpongeBob stands up.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Squidward, I would rather my music was loved by lots of people instead of just a small number of them. But you just gotta stick with your audience."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"If that's the case, then the only audience I want is myself."

 

He puts the clarinet back in his mouth and continues the song, while SpongeBob smiles. Mr. Krabs runs through in his pyjamas.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Oh, enough of that SOUND! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!--H-hey! Me customers! They're ..GONE!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Relax, Mr. K. I'm sure they'll come back when Squidward gets to the finale."

 

Squidward plays his clarinet into the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, people! Thanks for reading my first Season F original. With there currently being over 200 episodes of the show, trying to come up with a 'unique' premise to span a full-length episode was definitely a challenge. What I had in mind for this one is that I wanted to cement the idea that Squidward's clarinet playing isn't universally hated and as bad as many episodes make it out to be. Plots around music have been done plenty of times before, but I'm happy with what I got here.
> 
> The ending is basically the inverse of Choir Boys, although I didn't realise this until I was half way through writing the second draft. Because, seriously, who even remembers season six? I also wanted to create a scenario in which Squidward would have to completely rely on SpongeBob, which I feel hasn't been tackled that many times before. 
> 
> The next chapter will be a fix-it, most likely of Ink Lemonade, which is a pretty new episode from season 11. You can expect it in about 3 days. All the chapters thus far have been SpongeBob/Patrick/Squidward centric, so I have plans for a Mr. Krabs or a Plankton one in the near future. See ya!


	5. (Fix-It) Ink Lemonade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 11 - Episode 231b  
> Originally aired May 9th, 2018
> 
> Patrick opens a lemonade stand.

**Fix-It 4**

**Ink Lemonade**

 

**INT. PATRICK'S HOUSE - DAY**

Spongebob and Patrick are laughing together on the floor of the sandy, underground living room. Patrick's television set, also built out of sand, is turned off and a number of CDs are piled up next to it. 

 

**PATRICK**

"What movie do you wanna watch, SpongeBob?" 

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Hmmm, hold up! Lemme get a drink first to speed up the thought process. Hahahaha."

 

He goes to Patrick's kitchen. As soon as he enters, SpongeBob seems concerned, as there is water seeping from cupboards and faucets. Slowly opening a drink cabinet, water floods out and splashes in his face.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Woah!"

 

Sticking his head inside, he can see loads of leaking bottles of water.

 

**PATRICK**

"You find any drinks in there, buddy?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Yeah. A lot, actually. Pat, do you really need all of this?"

 

Patrick comes over to see.

 

**PATRICK**

"No."

 

**INT. SQUIDWARD'S HOUSE - DAY**

Squidward is leaning his head on a pillow by his couch while listening to some classical music. When the track ends, he calmly reaches for another disc and slides it onto his record player.

The tune sounds strange, as there are tapping and scratching noises accompanying it. Squidward doesn't notice, but there is a little spider jumping on the record. Finally checking the disc for scratches, he finds nothing wrong with it as the spider has already climbed off and the song continues to play normally.

Squidward scratches his head and begins with his routine interpretive dance. Stopping when he feels something crawl over one of his tentacles. His eyes dart round nervously, and he clambers onto a table. Peeking down at the floor below, he sees the spider and screams. Some drops of ink fall from his hanging nose.

 

**EXT. PATRICK'S HOUSE - DAY**

Patrick and Spongebob have set up an inflatable pool with Pat's water. They laugh and giggle like children and splash each other. Kicking at the water on his side, SpongeBob stirs up some bubbles and it creates a small wave.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Wheee! Hahahaha. Oh, no, Pat! Watch out! Hahahahaha!"

 

It crashes into Patrick and he shields his eyes.

 

**PATRICK**

"Hehe. Now it's _your_ turn!"

 

He returns one to SpongeBob, kicking even harder. A massive wave forms and SpongeBob looks up at it, petrified. It completely engulfs him. Squidward is sipping some hot tea in his second story window, and gasps when the tsunami hits him too. Seeing his drink emptied by the water, and his bed clothes dripping wet, he grumbles and furrows his brows. Scraps of tissue are stuffed into his nostrils because of a runny nose.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Maybe we should play something else. Any ideas, pal?"

 

**PATRICK**

"Um .."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Hey! I have an idea! How about getting me a new cup of golden reef tea!?"

 

SpongeBob looks up at Squidward while wringing water out of his own body.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"But I can't afford it, Squidward. That would mean saving up my salary at work for months."

 

Squidward grits his teeth and clenches the mug, which shatters into tiny pieces in his hands and crumbles to the ground. Patrick rushes to stand under the falling shards so he can eat them. Spongebob thinks for a moment, and comes up to Patrick.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Patrick! How about we make our  _own_ drinks out of all your water?"

 

**PATRICK**

"Good idea. I could use something to wash this down."

 

Opening his mouth, Patrick reveals his tongue which is covered in glass.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Well, it _is_ kinda hot. How about ..lemonade!"

 

**PATRICK**

"Yeah! You get the 'lemo' and I'll get the 'onade'."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Hahahaha! That's okay, Pat. I'll get them for you. You set up the stand."

 

SpongeBob starts walking down the street.

 

**PATRICK**

"You sure ..?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Yeah! I'll be back before you know it!"

 

**INT. BARG'N-MART - DAY**

He enters the store with a plastic shopping bag over his shoulder. At the front entrance, he gets a clear view at all the aisles, but they all have too many labels so he approaches an employee.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Excuse me. I'm looking for some lemons?"

 

"They're right over there, little guy."

 

The man points and SpongeBob runs into a section filled with nothing but different types of lemons.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Lemos, no ..ah! Lemons!--"

 

There's so many kinds to choose from, SpongeBob can't make a decision.

 

**EXT. PATRICK'S HOUSE - DAY**

Patrick is still at the lemonade stand, and he's been waiting so long that he's almost falling asleep. He rests his head on the counter and sighs. When people walk by, he just points at a sign that says 'CLOSED'.

 

**PATRICK**

"Oh, what's taking SpongeBob so long!?"

 

He has his eyes set on the corner of a jug of water which is just outside of the lemonade stand's shadow. Patrick watches as a few millilitres are slowly evaporated, and rise up as steam. He narrows his eyes and points a finger at the sun.

 

**PATRICK**

"HEY! You never paid for your drink! And it's not for sale!"

 

Protectively wrapping his arm around all the remaining cups of water, Patrick focuses on the light in the sky. His pupils go red and watery. Squidward, while carrying a trash can outside, passes by and sees Patrick's sunken in eyes.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

(angrily)

"Patrick!"

 

Squidward grabs Patrick and shakes him.

 

**PATRICK**

"Huh? What's wrong, Squidward!?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"What's wrong is that you're being an idiot again!"

 

Patrick grunts.

 

**PATRICK**

"Uh, yes I am! You don't know what you're talking about."

 

Squidward rolls his eyes. Patrick looks at his jug of water and flicks it.

 

**PATRICK**

"Hey, Squidward ..? What goes in lemonade?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Lemons, you dolt."

 

**PATRICK**

"Do you have some I could borrow?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"I don't know. How about you rake through my garbage and see for yourself."

 

Dropping his trash can in front of the stand, Patrick nods and starts to sift through it. Squidward goes back inside. Patrick raises his head with an apple in his hand.

 

**PATRICK**

"Nope."

 

He throws it back in and takes out a rotten lemon. Giving it a long look, and then discarding it as well.

 

**PATRICK**

"Nope."

 

Finally he comes to a fresh lemon, but tosses it in an instant.

 

**PATRICK**

"Definitely not."

 

Patrick pulls something out that's black and lemon-shaped. Juggling it up and down in his hand, he smiles with satisfaction and drops it in the pitcher. The water is tinted black, and the 'lemon' that floats to the surface is revealed to be just a tissue soaked in ink.

He takes the tissue out. Thinking nothing of it, he drops it on the ground and pours a cup for himself. Patrick grins and licks his lips. He keeps waiting, and SpongeBob shows up.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Hey, Pat."

 

**PATRICK**

"SpongeBob! Whoa."

 

He gawks at the mountainous sack of lemons SpongeBob is hauling behind him. With some effort, he able drags it behind the stand.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Took a while bringing it here, but--!"

 

SpongeBob sees Patrick's black lemonade and frowns.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Uh ..why is the water so dark?"

 

**PATRICK**

"It was the lemon I got from Squidward. Try it! Pretty tasty, huh?"

 

He looks unsure, but SpongeBob gulps down a cup.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Yeah! That's delicious! I'm, uh, guessing we won't be needing all of  _these_ lemons then. Hahaha."

 

A woman walks by and stops when she sees their assembly of drinks.

 

"Hello! What're you selling?"

 

**PATRICK**

"Black lemonade. It's free, actually."

 

She takes a cautious sip of the glass Patrick poured for her.

 

**PATRICK**

"That'll be one buck."

 

SpongeBob elbows him.

 

**PATRICK**

"Oh."

 

The woman plants the empty glass down on the counter.

 

"I'll have another."

 

Patrick tips out the jug, but there's just one drop left. He frowns.

 

**PATRICK**

"SpongeBob, cover for me while I go get some more."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Sure, buddy!"

 

He goes up to Squidward's house and knocks on the door.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"What do  _you_ want?"

 

**PATRICK**

"Hi. If it's okay, I'd like some more of your black lemon tissue things."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Black what? You ..(gag) mean my INK!? You saw it!?"

 

**PATRICK**

"That's what it was?"

 

Squidward slams the door. Patrick returns to SpongeBob, who is engaging the woman in small talk to keep her occupied.

 

**PATRICK**

"SpongeBob? What's ink?"

 

**INT. SQUIDWARD'S HOUSE - DAY**

Lying on his couch, Squidward pulls a blanket over himself. It's a little small, so he tucks in his feet and ducks his head. He hears the sound of tiny feet scratching on wood. His nose starts to leak ink, and he hides under the covers and whimpers. He jumps at the sudden ringing of the doorbell, but goes to open it. Watching the floor as he makes his way towards the entrance.

 

"Pest control. Is this the house of Mr. 'Tenta-cleese'?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Tentacles! (sigh) I want rid of every spider and or insect on my property. But especially spiders! Kapeesh?"

 

He hands the girl in uniform some cash, and she starts to go round spraying his house with chemicals. After finishing quite quickly, she returns to Squidward, who is in the same spot and standing perfectly still with folded arms. She looks up at him and sprays his face. Squidward coughs and covers his mouth.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"I am not infested, thank you!"

 

She hands him the spray and pats down her clothes.

 

"There you go, sir. You can keep what's left of it in case you get scared of a little baby spider again."

 

Squidward grumbles and clenches his fists. Throwing her and all of the equipment out the door.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"IT WASN'T SMALL! (stretches out his arms) IT WAS _THIS_ BIG!"

 

Smashing the door closed, Squidward mutters something and looks at the spray can in his hand. His pupils dilate in shock.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Wait. S-s-spider attract-ent? This is what they used!? It was supposed to be spider repellent!"

 

Squidward opens the door again but they've already gone. He runs to the phone.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Hello! Pest control!?"

 

"The number you have dialled is not in--"

 

He puts the phone down and buckles on his knees. His heart sinks in fear, one nostril dribbling ink. He hears some more crawling on his floor, and starts biting his hands and non-existent finger nails. Something is coming closer. He sees a tiny spider beneath him and a pool of ink drops out. Squidward grabs his nose, holding back trickling streams of dark liquid.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"AAAH! I HATE SPIDERS!

 

Squidward gets up and starts running and screaming around the house, flailing his arms. He first starts climbing up his ceiling but the army of spiders chase him. His nose splats ink everywhere. He hides behind an arm chair and trembles, and a spider climbs over the back of the seat and onto his hand. Squidward shakes it off.

Jumping on top of some drawers, the bugs follow him there too. Squidward continues to hide on or under every piece of furniture in his house. SpongeBob and Patrick can't hear him over their rioting customers.

 

**EXT. PATRICK'S HOUSE - DAY**

There is a mass of angry people in front of the 'lemonad' stand.

 

"Black lemonade! Black lemonade! Black lemonade! .."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Oh, Pat, help me out here! Can you really not find any more of those black lemons?"

 

**PATRICK**

"Sorry, SpongeBob. I've already been through every dumpster, can, and trash heap in Bikini Bottom."

 

Patrick climbs out of one of several trash cans he had pulled from around the city.

 

"Where's the black lemonade!? We want some _now_!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"But we don't have anymore. We've only got regular lemons."

 

"We can get those at the store. If it's not black, then what's the point?"

 

"Yeah. Let's go."

 

All of their customers walk away. SpongeBob hopelessly waves a glass of lemonade at them.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"But, it's tasty! Please? Someone? Anyone? ..Oh .."

 

He looks down sadly. Patrick wraps his arm around SpongeBob.

 

**PATRICK**

"That's okay, buddy. We'll try again tomorrow."

 

**INT. SQUIDWARD'S HOUSE - DAY**

Squidward is hiding in the plug of his kitchen sink. The whole house is covered with ink. He's terrified, and comes out of some cupboards wearing a sieve on his head for protection.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Are they gone?"

 

He hears something clatter upstairs.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"What was that!? I-is someone there ..? Hello?"

 

Crawling onto the floor, he holds out a frying pan as a weapon.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Who is it ..?"

 

The doorbell rings and he screams. He disappears under a rug, poking his head out. Squidward tiptoes, still under the mattress, towards the door. Slowly reaching for the knob.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Hello?"

 

He creeps out into the darkness. The door shuts. He desperately tries to open it, but to no avail. The light turns on. He's entered a makeshift haunted house.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"I-I've lost it. I can't tell what's real anymore .."

 

Squidward is fast asleep in his house and tucked into bed. There are spiders all over the covers. Most of them are small, but there's a giant red one that's almost the size of the whole room. It's late at night. Patrick peeks in through the window while standing atop a ladder he's placed against the wall.

 

**PATRICK**

"Hey, Squidward!"

 

He tosses and turns in his sleep. Patrick squints his eyes to see what Squidward's doing.

 

**PATRICK**

"Squidward, you up? Hello?"

 

Patrick knocks on the glass again, but Squidward just rolls over. Sticking a finger through a tiny gap in the window, Patrick crawls inside. He lands on Squidward's bed, but he doesn't wake up. All the spiders scatter and seem to be afraid of Patrick. In Squidward's head, he's still having a nightmare. He sees Patrick, covered in a patterned sheet, dangling by a rope from the ceiling.

 

**PATRICK**

"Oooh! I'm a haunted tablecloooth!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"AAAH!"

 

Squidward sprays more ink while he sleeps, and Patrick sees it. _Black lemonade_. He grins. In Squidward's dream, he's fleeing in a mad panic, leaving two trails of black ink up the stairs. He enters a room which has a cot made out of bones and a playing cassette tape.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Not creepy nursery rhyme music .."

 

He peeks into the cot. Patrick turns his head round, wearing baby clothes. Squidward shrieks and squirts more ink. It fills up Patrick's plastic feeding bottle.

 

**PATRICK**

"Thank you, Daddy!"

 

Patrick is actually just singing to Squidward to get him to stay asleep, while holding a jug under his nose. Also filling with ink.

 

**PATRICK**

"Rock-a-bye baby on the, uh, easter island head. When the wind blows the bed will creak. La la la!"

 

Squidward jumps out the window and smashes onto the floor. He looks up and sees a rickety wooden replica of the 'Krustee Krub'.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"The Krusty Krab? I don't think I wanna go in .."

 

A newspaper lands on his head.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Oh no. This newspaper is dated sixty years into the future!"

 

The conveyor belt he's unknowingly been sitting on activates and carries him inside. He covers his face with his arms.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"I can't look ..I'm afraid to see ..no!"

 

A puppet, which looks like a much older version of himself, is sat at the cash register.

 

**OLD SQUIDWARD**

"May I help you, young man?"

 

Squidward screams and shoots out more ink. Outside of his dream, Patrick keeps filling up more and more jugs. He's drawn extra wrinkles on Squidward's forehead with permanent marker and has put a Krusty Krab hat on him. Patrick giggles.

 

**PATRICK**

"I'd like to ..hehehe ..I'd like--PFFT, HAHAHA! Squidward! Hah, hah. I'd like to order a krabby patty, please!"

 

The ink from Squidward's nose stops flowing. Patrick tries pulling on it to excrete more, but nothing comes out. He frowns. Picking up Squidward's ink-soaked bed covers, he squeezes it and manages to fill up one last jug. He carries them all underarm and goes back out the window.

 

**PATRICK**

"Good night, Squidward!"

 

Patrick closes the window behind him. All the spiders have run away in fear.

 

**EXT. PATRICK'S HOUSE**

SpongeBob yawns and walks over. He gapes when he sees Patrick pouring out black lemonade, and there's a long queue stretching out for miles in front of him.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Patrick! How did you get all this black lemonade!?"

 

**PATRICK**

"Well, I don't wanna go into any details or anything, hehe. Let's just say that Squidward had a secret stash!"

 

All the customers in line, and Spongebob and Patrick, jump, at the sound of Squidward's loud, harrowing scream.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Speaking of Squidward."

 

He comes running out of the house and into the street. Bumping into the next man in line to the lemonade stand.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Squidward! If you want to buy some black lemonade, you'll have to get in the back of the line."

 

Patrick puts a hand on his hip while pouring some more ink into glasses.

 

**PATRICK**

"Yeah! Wait your turn like everybody else."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Sorry. I just had a bad dream about ..wait ..black lemonade!?"

 

Squidward stares at the glasses Patrick is pouring out, as well as their supply of containers overflowing with ink.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"You've been selling this as a  _refreshment_?"

 

**PATRICK**

"Yeah. You got a problem with that?"

 

He's holding up the queue. The shark behind him taps Squidward on the shoulder.

 

"Come on, buddy! No cutting! We've been waiting here all day."

 

Squidward peers and sees the massive line drawn over the hills. Looking at them in disgust.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"You mean you people actually drink this?"

 

The customers nod excitedly. Squidward grumbles and takes SpongeBob and Patrick's megaphone, yelling into it.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"What if I told you that this 'black lemonade' these stupid hacks are selling to you is ink, and it came from my nose!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Ink!? Patrick, what did you?--"

 

"Oh yeah? Prove it!"

 

Squidward smirks.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Black lemonade coming right up."

 

He takes an empty jug and squeezes his nose over it. Nothing comes out.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Haha, don't worry. I-I'll make some more, I just need a little recovery time .."

 

Pushing and pulling and twisting it in however many odd ways he can think of, his nose won't let out one drop.

 

"You gonna prove it or not!?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Wait, uh, can somebody please scare me?--"

 

The shark grabs him and readies a punch.

 

"Oh, I'll do better than that!"

 

Squidward screams and more ink comes out of his nose. It lands in the man's face and he drops Squidward. The ink continuously flows and creates a pool under his feet while Squidward tries to hold it.

 

"Ew. Is that what black lemonade is?"

 

All of the customers run over to SpongeBob and Patrick's house and throw up in them, knocking over all the tankers of water and ink jugs as they pass. SpongeBob almost throws up, too, and looks angrily at Patrick. Patrick laughs awkwardly. Under pressure from SpongeBob, he returns to a smiling Squidward carrying two trays of freshly baked cookies.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Hey, Squidward. You'll be happy to hear we're out of the black lemonade business, thanks to you. We found something new!"

 

Patrick holds the trays out towards Squidward.

 

**PATRICK**

"Yeah. I guess you could take it as an apology. It's all yours, buddy! Home-made cookies."

 

Squidward looks up at them and smiles a bit more. He takes one.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Huh, you know, a home-made cookie is just the kind of comfort food I could use right now. Thanks."

 

He crunches on it and his face lights up.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Hey, these cookies are good! What's in them?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Oh, nothing in particular. But we did get some help from our new partner. Mildred, meet Squidward!"

  

A towering red spider appears at SpongeBob's side. Squidward screams, and ink pours out of his nose again. He grabs it tightly and runs screaming for his house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Differences from the original episode:-  
> 1\. Obnoxious Patrick screeching is removed, because the writers have exaggerated his stupidity beyond belief to the extent that he has a speech impediment now.  
> 2\. There is a set-up as to why Patrick opens a lemonade stand, unlike the original which has none.  
> 3\. Scene of Squidward throwing a mouldy lemon at Patrick's eye so it disgustingly shrivels up and inflames is removed.  
> 4\. Scene of Patrick pulling off a plaster from his fleshy armpit and putting it on the mouldy lemon for no reason (which is even MORE disgusting than the eye thing) is removed.  
> 5\. Pointless scene of Squidward shaving his nose hairs and getting tortured is removed.  
> 6\. Scene of a customer drinking the poisonous, mouldy, plaster lemonade and throwing up into Squidward's house is removed.  
> 7\. Scene of Patrick twisting a toy fire truck for more juice is removed, along with Squidward being scared by SpongeBob with a megaphone.  
> 8\. Speaking of which, all seven unfunny megaphone jokes are removed. Count that, SEVEN. IN 11 MINUTES!  
> 9\. The two scenes of SpongeBob and then the lady drinking the lemonade and freaking out in exaggerated, loud, unfunny animations is removed.  
> 10\. Squidward's fear of spiders and subsequent spider infestation is what causes him to produce ink, unlike the original where it is just Patrick torturing him.  
> 11\. Scene of Patrick pulling up the front of his skin, revealing his skull, lungs, intestines and BEATING HEART is removed for obvious reasons and because of the above.  
> 12\. The haunted house portion of the episode is a dream sequence instead of it all being real and Patrick's doing.  
> 13\. Squidward reveals to the customers that the black lemonade is his ink, unlike the original where he tries to sell it himself and fails because they find out anyway (what did he think was going to happen?).  
> 14\. The customers throw up into SpongeBob and Patrick's house after the reveal instead of Squidward's, because they deserve it waaay more than him.  
> 15\. The cookies aren't made with spider eggs, unlike the original. So in the ending a swarm of baby spiders don't crawl out of Squidward's throat.
> 
> In my opinion, Stuck in the Wringer is a worse episode but this one is still pretty bad. It's just ..annoying. All the expressions the characters make are way too big. It's not funny and it's too darn loud. Not to mention how disgusting it is. I get why some of you might've been expecting me to scrap the idea of the ink coming from Squidward's nose entirely, but the alternative is for it to be his pee as seen in The Check-Up. Yeah. Even the gross-out loving producers at Nickelodeon wouldn't go that far.
> 
> Ink Lemonade's first half is complete trash, but the second half is actually okay. There are some creative visuals and I got one laugh out of it which is more than can be said for the wringer. This is the first fix-it I had to write twice because, as you know, I like to keep episodes close to the original as possible and just cut out the bad parts. I tried that, finished the chapter with the second half intact, and realised it was still bad because it mostly consisted of Squidward being actively tortured.
> 
> I haven't completely decided on the next chapter, but it's most likely to be either another original or an episode sequel, which would make for the first. I've also been thinking about doing some fan-made storyboard excerpts of my original episodes. This will probably happen sometime later down the line when I have a larger selection. See ya!


	6. (Original) Krusty Krab Ltd.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Original episode.
> 
> The Krusty Krab becomes a family business.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that it took so long. In short, [this is what happened](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sd2Q6Fagemg). Plus I was away from home on vacation. I plan on working on recommendations soon, which currently are The Campfire Episode and Restraining SpongeBob, but I'd rather not have too many so that I can focus on some of my own ideas. Enjoy.

**Original 2**

**Krusty Krab Ltd.**

  

**INT. THE KRUSTY KRAB - DAY**

Mr. Krabs is weeping over the desk in his office. He looks at a picture of Pearl and continues to cry. This time more loudly. Squidward is trying to relax, leaning back in his boat with his hands behind his head. No customers to attend to for now. But he's unable to sleep on the job with all the noise in the room next door.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Mr. Krabs, will you keep it down in there!?"

 

The customers start to get annoyed too. A mother leaves with her crying baby in a stroller. Spongebob pops up with a tray of fresh krabby patties.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Hey, Squidward! Order u--"

 

He immediately drops the tray to cover his ears.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Ooh. What's wrong with Mr. Krabs?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Something stupid, I'm sure."

 

Squidward walks over and opens the door to his office. A flood of tears rises up to his ankles.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Mr. Krabs? What's the matter, did you have to give your daughter an extra nickel for her lunch money?"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"My daughter ..?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Yeah. Pearl--"

 

Mr. Krabs starts sobbing again. SpongeBob hears this and sniffles, and then he starts crying too. The customers start crying. Spongebob comes running through, eyes filled with tears.

  

**SPONGEBOB**

"I'M SO SORRY, MR. KRABS! I upset the customers! It's all my fault!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"No, SpongeBob. It's  _his_ fault! Mr. Krabs, this is your business. Take some responsibility, will you!?"

 

Mr. Krabs blows his nose on a green tissue patterned with dollar signs.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Did you even hear what I said? If this keeps up, all the customers will leave, and no customers means no revenue!"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Oh, forget the stupid revenue!"

 

Squidward and Spongebob gasp.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Mr. Krabs, you need to see a doctor!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Something's wrong with him! He's sick in the head!"

 

They stack a pile of hot water bottles on his head, stick a thermometer in his mouth and cover him in blankets. Mr. Krabs grumbles and throws them and all of their niceties off himself.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Boys, boys, enough! It's just that, now ain't the time for money."

 

He says this while hugging a stack of dollars to his chest and stroking it.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Me sweet, darling daughter ..she's ..(sob)"

  

**SPONGEBOB**

"She's what, Mr. Krabs!?"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"She's gone off on a school trip for ten whole days, and I don't know if she's ever coming back!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Why wouldn't she?"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"I don't know! But I'm so worried! Oh, boys, what do I do? I never even got to say goodbye .."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I know! You could call the school!"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"I tried, boy. They just told me to settle down and that she's okay. Imagine that! Okay! I'll believe it when I see it!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"This is ridiculous. It's not like she's never coming back."

 

**MR. KRABS**

"She's never coming back!? NOOO! SQUIDWARD!"

 

Mr. Krabs is bawling. SpongeBob thinks for a moment, running out and coming back in with a blonde wig and pink dress.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Mr. Krabs! What if you pretend that I'm Pearl and wish  _me_ goodbye?"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"But you're not Pearl. You're just a yeller sponge in drag."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"No, Mr. Krabs.  _Pretend_. Say to me what you would've liked to say to Pearl! It'll make you feel better."

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Okay. If you say so, lad. Uhh ..GOODBYE!"

 

He tears up again, and grabs the tissue to wipe his nose.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Oh, Daddy! (hugs him) I'll miss you!"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Get off me, boy."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Oh. Sorry."

 

Mr. Krabs picks up SpongeBob and sets him down.

  

**SQUIDWARD**

"Feeling any better, now?"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"..Yeah. Actually, I am!"

  

With a new-found spring in his step, he swings the door wide open.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"The Krusty Krab is open for business!"

 

**INT. THE KRUSTY KRAB - NIGHT**

Mr. Krabs exits his room again. But this time, he slowly pushes on the door and has his back hunched over.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"The Krusty Krab is closed for .."

 

Walking out miserably and with his head hanging, Mr. Krabs covers his face to quietly cry into his claws. He peeks at SpongeBob.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Hold it right there, me boy! I have a favour to ask."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Yes, Mr. Krabs?"

 

Squidward passes by.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"If it's not too much trouble, I'd like you to, uhm, act like me daughter. Until she gets back, you know."

 

He stops in his tracks while half-way outside the door.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"What!? Mr. Krabs, he's an adult! And so are you! Get a hold of yourself."

 

**MR. KRABS**

"I never asked you."

 

SpongeBob removes his hat to place it on a coat hanger.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I don't know, Mr. Krabs. That sounds kind of embarrassing."

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Embarrassing? Pssht, nah. You'll be in the kitchen the whole time, lad. No one will even notice ya!"

 

He still looks unsure. Mr. Krabs sighs in defeat.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Okay. You can be my son instead."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Yay!"

 

Squidward shudders.

 

**INT. THE KRUSTY KRAB - DAY**

Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob engage in some father and son activities at work. They turn on the TV to watch a game of rugby, and Mr. Krabs points at the screen. Bursting out in a fit of laughter.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Oh! That one won't be able to stand for  _weeks_ , ak-ak-ak-ak! Pass the popcorn, lad."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Sure, Mr. Krabs. Here you go."

 

He's handed a bag of sugary pink candy. Mr. Krabs picks out one and frowns. Later, they're "fishing" in the kitchen, wearing green waist coats and caps. Mr. Krabs reels in a patty, dropping it in a barrel and then handing the fishing rod to SpongeBob.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Your turn, boy."

 

Attempting a long cast, SpongeBob ends up accidentally sending it through the kitchen window.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Whoops!"

 

After it bumps into the side of Squidward's head, he tries to draw the line back, but it only flies further. Picking up a customer by the collar of their shirt, who comes in suspended on a hook. They don't seem to mind, and continue eating their krabby patty. Mr. Krabs nervously laughs and tugs on the hook to lower them down.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Terribly sorry. He's a bit rusty. Heh, heh."

 

"Nah, it's cute, buddy. I don't mind."

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Oh, really? The father and son bonding?"

 

"No. Your kid."

 

SpongeBob is on the floor making towers with cans of worm bait. They wobble and clatter to the ground. He giggles and starts rolling on the floor. Mr. Krabs eyes at him disappointedly.

 

**EXT. SPONGEBOB'S HOUSE - EVENING**

The steel door of the pineapple creaks open, and SpongeBob, carrying a backpack and with Gary at his side, wanders out. He raises his head and is surprised to find himself face-to-face with Patrick.

 

**PATRICK**

"SpongeBob!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Hi, Pat."

 

He examines Patrick's face, who has bags under his eyes.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Are you okay?"

 

**PATRICK**

"Huh? Oh, yeah. I didn't get much sleep last night, 'cause had a terrible dream where you moved away. But that'll never happen. Is Gary taking you out for a walk?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Actually I'm moving away. I'm Mr. Krabs' son now."

 

**PATRICK**

"Cool."

  

SpongeBob is packing up his stuff and heading for the road. The bus beeps on him.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Actually, I--..uh, never mind. Later, Pat. I'll visit you."

 

**PATRICK**

"Yeah, okay. See ya."

 

He sets a foot on the bus and shows his ticket.

 

"Sorry, there's a hold up."

 

SpongeBob nods and ducks for a window seat, waving to Patrick who waves back and stands to watch him go. A sign on the bus flashes the words "far away" and "no returns". Patrick yawns. The bus drives painfully slowly down the street. Patrick goes into his house, sits in front of his TV, munches on a half-eaten krabby patty, wipes away some crumbs and then thinks to himself for a moment.

 

**PATRICK**

"Wait."

 

**INT. THE KRUSTY KRAB - EVENING**

 Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob are playing catch with a bag of money.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Hey, Mr. Krabs, did you ever play games like this with Pearl?"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Aye. I did, when she was younger."

  

Gripping the bag with his hands, Mr. Krabs prepares it for a good throw.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Heads up, boy!"

 

SpongeBob misses it, having been slightly distracted. It flops onto the floor and notes and pennies spill out. He sweats and twiddles his fingers behind his back.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Oh, oh, I'm sorry Mr. Krabs! You won't fire me, will you?"

 

With a worried look, SpongeBob bends down to quickly try and pick up all the money from the floor.

  

**MR. KRABS**

"What makes you think I'd--!?"

   

**SPONGEBOB**

"Mr. Krabs, please don't! I'm really sorry! I didn't mean to!"

 

SpongeBob gets down on his knees, begging. Mr. Krabs sighs. Squidward, while in a trance-like state, is unable to hear their voices coming from the kitchen.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Easy, easy. I'd never fire you over something like that, lad. Unless it was real money."

 

Mr. Krabs opens the bag, revealing paper currency and plastic coins.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Ak-ak-ak-ak-ak!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Mr. Krabs, please! Please don't fire me, no! You can't!"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"SpongeBob, I already said I wasn't gonna. Don't be such a baby. Now, hows about you and I ..uh ..play something else?"

 

SpongeBob wipes away a tear.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Oh. You really had me fooled, there, sir. Hahahahaha."

 

Mr. Krabs scuttles out of the kitchen, SpongeBob following behind him. Without notice, Mr. Krabs suddenly shoves him back in and whistles as he locks the door.

 

**SPONGEBOB (O.S)**

"Mr. Krabs?"

 

He moves over to Squidward. Mr. Krabs opens his mouth to speak. Squidward still isn't paying attention, so he taps him.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Mmm. No SpongeBob .."

 

  **MR. KRABS**

"Mr. Squidward. Do you think you could ..?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Huh? Oh. Forget it, Mr. Krabs. You pay me to work here. Not to play house."

 

**MR. KRABS**

"I could give you, uh, extra break time?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"No! And what do you need  _me_ for anyway? Don't you already have SpongeBob?"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Aye, Squidward, but I asked for a son. Not a pushover! My own daughter was hardier. I tell ya, having him around just won't make me feel any better less I've got a middle man."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"That's your problem then, isn't it? Leave me out of this."

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Okay. Okay ..I'll send him back home, then."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"WHAT!?"

 

Mr. Krabs smirks.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Yeah. Oh, that is, unless, you've changed your mind and you wanna play along."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"You're a devil, Mr. Krabs! You wouldn't!"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"I would. So, what'll it be?"

 

**INT. THE KRUSTY KRAB - DAY**

Customers have doubled, perhaps even tripled. The sign now has a crudely painted "Ltd." at the bottom, and the restaurant itself has received some minor redecorations to match it's new theme.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Welcome to the Krusty Krab."

 

**MR. KRABS**

"L.T.D."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"L.T.D. Right. Family owned business since yesterday. Can I take your order?"

 

"Hm. I don't see any resemblance. Are you guys really related?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Well, I just take the boss' word for it."

 

SpongeBob pops up beside him.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"GAH!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"By the way, Squidward, what does L.T.D. stand for?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Go away."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right. L, T .."

 

"Look! There's two of them talking!"

 

Squidward and SpongeBob quickly cover their eyes as they are engulfed by camera flashes.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Ah, this was such a good idea. I'm racking in big bucks and forgetting all about my troubles at the same time. What was it I was worried about again?"

 

SpongeBob, with his eyes swirling, stumbles over to Mr. Krabs and holds the wall to keep himself upright.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"That thing about Pearl. And ..wait, wasn't she supposed to come home yesterday?"

 

Mr. Krabs looks at the calender. Spongebob's right. He passes out.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"You idiot! Now when Mr. Krabs comes around he's going to ask us to do something even _more_ ridiculous."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Mr. Krabs never asks us to do anything ridiculous, Squidward. You shouldn't talk about him like that. Even if you are my brother. And he's your brother ..and I'm your ..and he's--"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"ENOUGH! You're not my brother! None of us are even related at all!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"You're disowning me?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"SpongeBob, we are NOT--!"

 

Mr. Krabs starts coughing. The two of them rush to his side. They can feel cameras poking at their backs, as the audience has huddled closer.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Can we get some room, please!?"

 

"Square guy, a little to the left, would ya?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Huh? You mean like this?"

 

SpongeBob morphs his body to have a hole on the left side for them to see through, but all the cameras are still unable to squeeze through it.

 

"Move over!"

 

He tries again, but the crowd is still unsatisfied. Eventually they just push past them and knock the two to the ground. Mr. Krabs heaves open his eyes and shrieks.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Alright! That's it! Clearly, this place isn't safe at all for my children! Out of the way!"

 

Mr. Krabs grabs SpongeBob and Squidward.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Yay! Mr. Krabs!"

 

He carries them out of the restaurant by running across the sea of heads. When he makes it outside, the crowd tries to follow them, but Mr. Krabs uses his leg to slam the door shut. As some were already partially out, their bodies are flattened like a pancake against the wall.

**SQUIDWARD**

"Nice thinking, Eugene. And thanks for the ride."

  

**MR. KRABS**

"Not just that, my boy. You two are gonna be staying home for a while."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"W-what do you mean by that, Mr. Krabs ..?"

 

Mr. Krabs approaches the street the two live on, slowly coming to Squidward's house.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Alright, Mr. Krabs. Thanks again. This is my stop, so I'll be getting off now--"

 

To Squidward's surprise, he walks right past it.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Mr. Krabs!?"

 

Patrick sees SpongeBob from across the street. He breaks out into a sprint.

 

**PATRICK**

"SPONGEBOB! SpongeBob, SpongeBob, SpongeBob!"

 

He walks beside them while Squidward makes several failed attempts to free himself from Mr. Krabs' arm.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I'm sorry for leaving, Pat. I promise I'll come tomorrow!"

 

**PATRICK**

"What are you talking about? I just wanted the key to your house."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Oh. Okay."

 

SpongeBob sticks out his arm to drop a key into Patrick's hand.

 

**PATRICK**

"Thanks."

 

Patrick runs off. Squidward watches his house fade into the distance.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Mr. Krabs, my house was right there! What're you doing!?"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Oh, son. There's no need to be so formal. Just call me Dad!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Very funny, Mr. Krabs, but the gig is up. I'm not your son. You can let me down now."

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Not my son? What are you on about? You're family. We're all family! Ak-ak-ak-ak-ak!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Mr. Krabs, we're not actually your family. We just help you out at work and at home so you can stop worrying about Pe--uhm, your daughter."

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Nonsense, boy. Easy now, we're almost home."

  

**SQUIDWARD**

"Mr. Kraaabs!"

 

**INT. MR. KRABS' HOUSE - NIGHT**

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Mr. Krabs, there's something wrong with you."

 

**MR. KRABS**

"What makes you say that?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"You've TIED US TO A WALL!"

 

SpongeBob and Squidward have ropes wrapped tightly around their wrists, and the ends are fastened to a coat rack by the entrance.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"What's this about, Mr. Krabs? Why are you acting so ..weird?"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"It's just to keep you boys safe! You're my own flesh and blood. I can't lose ya. At The Krusty Krab, we're under the constant threat of stampeding customers! Not to mention Plankton. That's why I'm gonna keep you here. Forever. Like I said."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"You're INSANE!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Mr. Krabs, you have a daughter! We're not your sons. Look, see? There's a picture of her on the table."

 

Mr. Krabs picks up the photo of Pearl, frowning and then discarding it.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"No clue how that got there."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"How could we even be related to you? I mean, look at us."

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Oh, always the drama queen, aren't we, Squidward? Besides, it'd make even  _less_ sense for me to father a whale. Heh. You'll be safe here. Don't worry. It'll only be for ten days or so, until our loyal customers have eased up back at the Krusty Krab."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Please snap out of it, Mr. Krabs!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"You don't understand! We're not your sons, Mr. Krabs! You have to believe us!"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Calm down, now. It's been a long day. You two should get some rest."

 

After putting a bed cover over them, Mr. Krabs sits on a nearby armchair. Plugging dollar notes into his ear holes and falling sound asleep.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Help! Someone, help us!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Heeelp!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Someone please he-e-elp!"

 

Squidward and SpongeBob start to try and wriggle out of the ropes tying them up. They jump after Patrick crashes through the front door, leaving a jagged starfish-shaped hole.

 

**PATRICK**

"SpongeBob! Are you here? Hello!?"

 

He looks up to see SpongeBob and Squidward who are sitting in place, and holding a finger to their mouths.

 

**SPONGEBOB AND SQUIDWARD**

"Shhh!"

 

They point with their heads to a sleeping Mr. Krabs. Patrick looks at him, but pays no mind.

 

**PATRICK**

"A sleep over with Squidward without me, huh? Am I not good enough for you?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Patrick! Untie us!"

 

**PATRICK**

"No. I'm just going to take this money and leave!"

 

Patrick pulls the dollars out of Mr. Krabs' ears. His eyes snap open. Later, Patrick ends up in the same situation as Squidward and SpongeBob. Forcing his arms away from the wall, Patrick is unable to escape and his body falls right back into place, even though there are no ropes holding him down.

 

**PATRICK**

"Someone untie me!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Great. Now what do we do?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Keep screaming for help?"

 

**EXT. MR. KRABS' HOUSE - NIGHT**

Pearl is in a car with her friends. They drive up closer to the front of the house.

 

"I bet your Dad still hasn't realised you were gone."

 

**PEARL**

"Yeah. Probably."

 

What was just incomprehensible sounds in the distance is now obviously yelling coming directly from Pearl's home.

 

"What's going on in there?"

 

**PEARL**

"Uh ..I'll go check."

 

"Okay, I guess. See you at school."

 

She runs out of the car and bursts through the door. SpongeBob waves and smiles weakly. After freeing them, Pearl shoos the three away.

 

**PEARL**

"Out, out, out!"

 

SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward quietly walk outside as to not wake him up. Pearl spots Mr. Krabs and stomps towards him.

 

**PEARL**

"Okay, Dad. What happened?"

 

Each step she takes causes the dollars to shake and tremble. Eventually they slip out of Mr. Krabs' ears, and he opens his eyes quick enough to see Squidward just outside the door.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Huh!? Boys, wait!"

 

Mr. Krabs peeks out the doorway, about to chase after them. Pearl pulls him back.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Who are you? Let me go--!"

 

**PEARL**

"Have you gone crazy? It's me! Pearl!"

 

Mr. Krabs goes blank. Recollecting his thoughts, his eyes slowly meet hers.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"That was--I, uh .."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In writing this, I realised that my originals are also fix fics in a way. Their plots so far have been focused on resolving issues from the show. For example, Squidward's clarinet playing being universally hated, which I attempted to alleviate in chapter four, and, now, Mr. Krabs' greed overtaking his humanity. I tried to fix that in this chapter by showing an aspect of his personality that allows him to sometimes care for people more than money.
> 
> I think his greed being too exaggerated is an especially big issue for modern SpongeBob, as in episodes such as SpongeBob, You're Fired, he sends his best worker into spiralling depression just to save a single penny. Mr. Krabs is one of my favourite characters, and I thought that he deserved more. That's why here I wanted to write him more like seasons 1-5, where he sometimes went too far, but cared for other people and never lost all redeemability.
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading and see you around!


	7. (Fix-It) The Camping Episode

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 3 - Episode 57b  
> Originally Aired April 3rd, 2003
> 
> SpongeBob, Patrick and Squidward go camping.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to clarify that I don't dislike this episode, it's good. While I did find some small areas due for improvement, this fix-it was more a matter of not necessarily making it better, but changing it into something that I think I would've enjoyed even more. Thanks again to Dm4487 for the suggestion.

**Fix-It 5**

**Episode Suggested by Dm4487**

 

**INT. SQUIDWARD'S HOUSE - NIGHT**

Squidward steps towards his bed, with a book underarm and some tea in hand that he lays down on a table.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Ah, finally, the weekend is here."

 

He goes up to a dance-themed calendar.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"And this isn't just any old weekend. This is the weekend SpongeBob and Patrick go _camping_! Wouldn't it be great if they got lost in the woods and never came back?"

 

In his imagination, SpongeBob is walking through a dark forest with Patrick in the lead.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Patrick, I'm scared!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Hoho! That would be great!"

 

Wiping a tear of joy from his eye, he jumps into bed and turns to a page of his book.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"You've waited a long time for this. A soft bed, warm tea, a good book, and two whole days with no "Ahahahaha! Ahahahaha!""

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Ahaha! Ahahaha!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"What the?"

 

SpongeBob and Patrick are huddled inside a dimly lit tent, giggling in their sleeping bags.

 

**SPONGEBOB AND PATRICK**

"Ahahahahahaha!--"

 

Squidward pops his head through the opening.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"SpongeBob, aren't you two supposed to be camping?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"We are camping."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"SpongeBob, it's not camping if you're ten feet from your house."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Aw, it doesn't matter where you are as long as you're outdoors. While all those soft, city folk are safe in their beds reading books, we're out here, pitting ourselves against the formidable forces of nature. You wanna join us?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"No."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Okay. Have fun inside."

 

He goes back out. SpongeBob and Patrick continue laughing and reading their book with a flashlight. Squidward comes in again, and they put the book away.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"What do you mean by "have fun inside"?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Just ..have fun inside. See you tomorrow."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Oh. Bye."

 

Squidward leaves and pokes his head back in right after.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"You little sneak. I see what you're doing!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"What?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"You're saying I can't take it."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"But all I ..--"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Ah! You're saying I'm soft. You think your little "have fun inside" challenge is gonna make me come camping with you, but that is _never_ gonna happen. There's no way I'm gonna sit out here all night with you two losers. So get used to it!"

 

As he yells in their faces, the two hold a look of confusion. Squidward goes back out.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Okay ..have fun inside!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"That's it, I'm in! I'll show you camping."

 

Squidward runs into his house. SpongeBob and Patrick look at each other and grin.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Squidward's gonna come camping with us."

 

They grin and laugh excitedly.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Now you'll see how a real ..ugh."

 

The giant backpack on him causes him to lose balance and fall forward, flat on his face. Squidward crawls out from under it.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"--Outdoorsman does it."

 

He removes a zipped up, thick sheet of fabric from his bag.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Here we are. My remote-controlled, self-assembling tent. Watch and learn."

 

Patrick takes out a pair of glasses and a notepad, and SpongeBob watches with some goggles. Squidward smugly tosses it into the air, presses a button on his remote, and is disappointed to then see sparks of electricity fly and the tent landing in a messy heap.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"That was great, Squidward. But how do you get inside?"

 

**PATRICK**

"Yeah, it's all crushy-looking."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"It isn't put up yet, you idiots."

 

The two takes notes on Squidward's every action. First, he tries to assemble the tent but accidentally rips it. Then he begins furiously whacking it with a stick.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"He's tenderising the ground!"

 

**PATRICK**

"Of course!"

  

Now he's stuck inside it and struggling to get out, only tangling himself further.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Write that down, write that down!"

 

Patrick grits his teeth and intensely draws a bought on the game of tic-tac-toe he's playing in his notebook. Finally, Squidward kicks the tent and it magically props up.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Voila!"

 

Right after he says this, the tent deflates and falls apart again. He nervously rolls it away.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"But what could compare to just lying out under the stars?"

 

Squidward lays a blanket on the ground. SpongeBob and Patrick clap and cheer.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Well, I've worked up an appetite as big as all outdoors. Time for a little grub. I suppose you two are gonna stew up some twigs and rocks, right?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Hahaha! Nope, we've got something even better. Marshmallows."

 

He holds out a clear bag and eats one. When SpongeBob opens his mouth, it's full of sticky, chewed up marshmallows.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Mmm-mm! Just like the astronauts eat."

 

**PATRICK**

"Kshh. Patrick to SpongeBob. Patrick to SpongeBob. Do you read me? Over."

 

The two have fishbowls over their heads.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Kshh. SpongeBob to Patrick. I read you. Over."

 

**PATRICK**

"Kshh. Patrick to SpongeBob. Can I get a marshmallow? Over."

  

SpongeBob smiles and hands him the bag of marshmallows. Patrick takes one, jabbing it through the helmet. Breaking the glass and shoving the treat into his mouth. Squidward is busy holding in his annoyance.

Patrick digs deeper into the bag and stuffs his face, opening up to reveal his teeth and gums are all white.

 

**PATRICK**

"My mouth feelsh like shpace."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Well, you two _astronauts_ can eat marshmallows, but I'm gonna have a can of Swedish Barnacle Balls (holds out can). Just as soon as I can get my can opener."

 

He gets up to walk towards his house. After SpongeBob speaks up, he freezes in place.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"But Squidward, didn't you take a can opener when you hiked out here?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Why would I bother, we're right next to my house."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"But, this is the wilderness. It just doesn't seem to fit the camping spirit."

 

**PATRICK**

"Pretty weenie."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Alright, alright. Gimme a marshmallow."

 

Squidward takes the bag and puts a marshmallow on a stick, holding it next to the fire. Patrick puts his own stick straight in. The marshmallow sets on fire, and he blows on it so hard that it splats in Squidward's face. Patrick does it again. Squidward frowns.

For a final time, Patrick blows the burnt marshmallow residue away, so Squidward quickly ducks. He laughs victoriously, but it comes boomeranging back and hits him on the side of his head.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Okay. Besides spitting molten food stuffs at me, what else do you do for fun?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Well, after a long day of camping, it's nice to unwind with a nice, relaxing campfire song."

 

SpongeBob takes out a guitar and points to it. Playing a gentle tune.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I call this one, "The Campfire Song Song". ♪ Let's gather round the campfire and sing our campfire song. Our C.A.M.P.F.I.R.E S.O.N.G song. ♪"

 

Patrick rocks back and forward to the beat. He grabs Squidward's head and forces him to rock too.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"♪ And if you don't think that we can sing it faster then you're wrong. But it'll help if you just sing along~. ♪"

 

**PATRICK**

"♪ Bum, bum, bum. ♪"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"♪ C.A.M.P.F.I.R.E S.O.N.G song! C.A.M.P.F.I.R.E S.O.N.G song! And if you don't think that we can sing it faster then you're wrong. But it'll help if you just sing along~. ♪"

 

**PATRICK**

"♪ Sing another song! ♪"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"♪ C.A.M.P.F.I.R.E S.O.N.G song. ♪ Patrick!"

 

**PATRICK**

"♪ SONG! C.A.M.P.F.I.R.E ♪--"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Squidward! (silence) Good! ♪ It'll help~, it'll he-e-elp~, if you just sing along! ♪"

 

SpongeBob stage dives and starts slamming his guitar into the ground, destroying it. Patrick does the same with a set of drums.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"OH YEAH!"

 

The two walk back over and sit with Squidward by the fire.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Ah, now wasn't that relaxing?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"No.  _This_ is relaxing."

 

Squidward takes out his clarinet and begins to play.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Oh no! (takes out a slingshot) I'll save you Squidward!"

 

SpongeBob draws back a marshmallow and fires it into Squidward's mouth via his clarinet. He falls on his back, and SpongeBob and Patrick pick him up in their arms.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"To the tent!"

  

They carry him inside. He coughs and spits out his clarinet.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"What was that for!?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I had to, Squidward. Your bad clarinet playing might've attracted ..(whispers to him) a sea bear .."

 

**PATRICK**

"It could be outside right now!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"A sea bear? You mean like the ones that ..don't exist!?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"What are you saying?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"There's no such thing! They're just a myth."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Oh no, Squidward. Sea bears are all too real. It says so in the Bikini Bottom Inquirer!"

 

SpongeBob holds up the front page of a newspaper.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"'I Married a Sea Bear?'"

 

**PATRICK**

"Yeah! And Fake Science Monthly!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"'Sea Bears and Fairy Tales Are Real'? That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"

 

**PATRICK**

"Well, maybe it is stupid. But it's also dumb."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Patrick's right, Squidward. Sea bears are no laughing matter. Why, once, I met this guy, who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy, who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy, who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy, who knew this guy who knew this guy who knew this guy, who knew this guy's cousin .."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"But there's nothing out there!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"It's hiding! I bet it doesn't know we're here."

 

**PATRICK**

"We'll have to stay inside all night."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Right. Just to make sure."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"You mean I have to stay cramped all night in this tiny thing, with you two!? Forget it!"

 

Squidward reaches for the opening, and tries to climb out. He's stopped by SpongeBob and Patrick who grab his feet and haul him back inside.

 

**SPONGEBOB AND PATRICK**

"Squidward!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"What!?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"We can't let you do this to yourself. Please, Squidward! Stay in here with us! Just for tonight."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Fine. Not like I have a choice."

 

He looks down at them holding onto his legs.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"It's okay, Squidward. Just because we can't go outside for the next eight hours doesn't mean we can't still have fun. Patrick, you drew a dirt circle around the tent, right?"

 

**PATRICK**

"No. I thought you did."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Hm. Then we're still vulnerable. All we have to do is not provoke an attack."

 

**PATRICK**

"Okay. What about a screaming contest? AAA--!"

 

SpongeBob grits his teeth in panic and covers Patrick's mouth.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"No, Patrick. That's bound to draw it right to us. How about we tell some, (wiggling his fingers) oooh~, _scary_ stories!?"

 

**PATRICK**

"That still involves screaming."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"You're right."

 

They all sit in silence.

 

**PATRICK**

"Well, uhh, let me just go grab a board game from my house."

 

Patrick gets up and tries to leave the tent. He manages to get his head outside, before SpongeBob can grab him and try to haul him back in.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Pat, wait! You can't!"

 

Outside, there's a sea bear. Patrick freezes.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Pat?"

 

SpongeBob lets his curiosity get the better of him and he and peeks outside too. He and Patrick hold in their screams, zipping up the tent door.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Are you two just about done fooling around!?"

 

The two quickly hold a finger to their mouths.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"We need to be very quiet. There's a s-s-sea bear outside."

 

**PATRICK**

(quietly)

"A real one!"

 

SpongeBob and Patrick hold each other while they tremble with fear.

Squidward sighs and unzips the tent door to see for himself. The sea bear is no where to be seen.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"No there's not, you clowns. I'm going to bed."

 

Leaning his head down, Squidward rests at the foot of SpongeBob's sleeping bag.

  

**SPONGEBOB**

"Wait, Squidward, don't."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Why not?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Sea bears hate sleeping."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"We're in a tent, SpongeBob. Even if it  _was_ out there, which it's not, there's no way for it to know I'm sleeping."

 

**PATRICK**

"They can sense it."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Oh really? Sleeping, huh? Then ..how about, to pass the time, I tell you two a happy little story."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Good idea, Squidward. Can I tell one next?"

 

**PATRICK**

"Oh! Oh! And then me."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Sure. If you two are still awake by then, that is. It's about a pair of idiots who were really tired, so they went home and--"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Squidward, you're not going to mention _these_ are you?"

 

He holds up crude drawing of some house keys.

 

**PATRICK**

"Sea bears hate them even more than sleeping."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"It doesn't matter what the sea bear likes, SpongeBob. It's just part of the story."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Sea bears only attack when they're aggravated, Squidward. And there's one out there ..it could be listening to your story right now, and it'll hear you say all these things it doesn't like."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"That's ridiculous."

 

Sure enough, the sea bear is against the tent and listening intently to Squidward's story.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"But if it'll shut you two up, they got into bed, and--"

 

**PATRICK**

"No! Sea bears can't stand those!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"He lied on the floor."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Why would he do that if he has a bed?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Why did you just ..I thought Patrick said ..ugh! HE LIED ON THE BED--"

 

**PATRICK**

"No, Squidward. It's okay to mention beds in casual conversation, but if you're telling a story .."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"He lied on on the couch because he was too tired to go upstairs where his room was!"

 

Squidward waits for them to object. SpongeBob slowly raises his hand.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"What now!?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I was just going to say that you're raising your voice."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Oh. Right. (quietly) ..He tucked in to the leather couch, and--"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"No! Not that kind of couch!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Are you two just going to keep on interrupting me? ..So, his friend came over and tucked him--"

 

**PATRICK**

"Yes."

 

He glares at Patrick, who shrinks back.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"--in ..he closed his eyes."

 

SpongeBob and Patrick's eyes start to droop.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"He relaxed his muscles, laid his head down on a pillow .."

 

Patrick fluffs leans on SpongeBob's shoulder and fluffs it up as if it were a pillow.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"His friend knelt over and gave him a big kiss goodnight. Mwa."

 

SpongeBob and Patrick open their eyes and gawk at him expectantly.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"No."

 

They shut their eyes again.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Also, he let go of a leg which he forgot he had been holding onto the whole time."

 

SpongeBob and Patrick let go of Squidward's legs.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"And he fell .."

 

They start snoring. The sea bear, unbeknownst to him, is out cold too. Squidward snickers.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Asleep."

 

Squidward gets up out of the tent, and pulls back the roof to fully expose them.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"There. And when they wake up, they won't believe any of this sea bear nonsense! Now where's that key ..ah."

 

Lifting his head and ready to stick the key in the lock, he comes face-to-face with a sea bear.

Squidward slowly looks down at the keys in his hand. Dropping them, he frantically runs around screaming. It attacks him and he tries limping.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"SpongeBob!"

 

The sea bear charges at him again, so he crawls the rest of the way, only to be attacked once more.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Patrick!?"

 

He continues to drag himself away, and this leaves a trail in the sand that eventually forms a circle. The sea bear prepares for another attack. It looks down, points angrily at the circle's outline, and swims off.

Squidward nearly faints from relief. He notices SpongeBob and Patrick have already woken up, and are huddling next to him.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Squidward, you saved us!"

 

SpongeBob and Patrick cheer.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"I did? (shakes his head sadly) Oh .."

 

**PATRICK**

"Thanks for drawing us this perfect anti-sea bear circle."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Yeah. I'm glad it was just a sea bear. This circle would never hold back a sea rhinoceros."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"What attracts them?"

 

**PATRICK**

"The sound of a sea bear attack."

 

A sea rhinoceros, which is twice the size of the last creature to attack them, appears and flares it's nostrils.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Good thing we're all wearing our anti-sea rhinoceros undergarments, heh. Right, Squidward?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Huh .."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Differences from the original episode:-  
> 1\. Scene of Squidward accusing SpongeBob of challenging him is shortened.  
> 2\. Scene of SpongeBob and Patrick's note-taking is shortened.  
> 3\. The "astronaut" scene is shortened.  
> 4\. Several minor changes or additions to dialogue.  
> 5\. Most of the second half is replaced; Squidward doesn't try to attract a sea bear by doing everything SpongeBob and Patrick told him not to do, SpongeBob and Patrick advising Squidward while he's under attack is changed to during story-telling, and the attack itself occurs at the very end.
> 
> I think this was a good suggestion to start on, because I wanted to try a well-written episode for once since eventually I'll be out of bad ones. The idea I had in mind for this is that I liked the first half, with the three of them just hanging out and doing camping activities, so I wanted to continue that in the second but still keep the sea bear and the spirit of them being in some danger. The next episode will either be another fix-it (the second suggestion) or an original. Thanks for reading.


	8. (Original) Natural Causes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Original episode.
> 
> SpongeBob helps with a public execution at The Krusty Krab.

**Original 3**

**Natural Causes**

 

**EXT. THE KRUSTY KRAB - DAY**

A carefree sponge skips towards another bright, sunny day working at his dream job.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"♪ La la la la, la la dee-dum. ♪ (opens the door) ♪ Working early~. ♪"

 

He goes straight for the kitchen.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"♪ La la la la. Krabby patties-- ♪"

 

Stopping in slow motion, SpongeBob takes a few steps back after being late to notice a silent Squidward beneath the cash register.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Morning, Squidward. You're sharp."

 

He's sitting down and meditating in his boat. Shelves are nailed to the walls around him that are lined with glass bowls of burning incense.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Squidward? Squidward? Squidward?"

 

Squidward briefly glances towards SpongeBob with a glum look. Ignoring him.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Squid--"

 

Spongebob lightly knocks on the side of the boat with his fist to get Squidward's attention. Immediately after this, a loud crashing sound can be heard, followed by shattering and glass shards flying up into the air. SpongeBob nervously walks backwards into the kitchen.

After cleaning his spatula in the sink until it sparkles, he lays it down and pokes his head out the window. Squidward, covered in plasters, is back and busy wiping the incense off himself with a towel. SpongeBob eagerly watches the front door.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Can you stop staring like that? It's creepy."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Sorry, Squidward, but I just can't  _wait_ to serve our very first customer on this extra special day!"

   

Mr. Krabs appears, carrying a handful of sheets of freshly printed paper.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Good morning, Mr. Krabs!"

 

He drops the sheets into SpongeBob's arms, who sinks a few inches at their weight.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"What are these? Toilet paper crossword puzzles?"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"They're the new and improved menus! Fancy restaurants use 'em, right? And charge absurd prices? I thought I'd do the same!"

 

Squidward takes one and snorts.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Mr. Krabs, none of our depraved regulars can afford these."

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Aye, but it's not for our regulars. It's the new rich folk that'll come here for the menus!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"What idiot told you that?"

 

SpongeBob takes one look at a menu and Mr. Krabs and Squidward hear a muffled BOOM!

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I think a tiny explosion just went off in my head."

 

**MR. KRABS**

"That's perfectly normal. Now, quick, lad. Back to work. Man your station! The sooner I get this old Krab fancied up, the sooner I get me money!"

 

Walking back to the kitchen, SpongeBob is still trying to make sense of Mr. Krabs' menus. Plankton watches them through a spyglass from The Chum Bucket.

 

**PLANKTON**

"New menus at The Krusty Krab? Hahaha. Excellent! That gullible crustacean won't be able to resist charging extortionate prices for his cheap junk."

 

Plankton hops off the table and goes towards a tiny, single celled organism-sized kitchen. Next to the counter, there are several bags labelled 'Cheap Junk' that are stuffed with fresh, new ingredients.

 

**PLANKTON**

"All the while his customers will flock to me to buy the exact same thing for less."

 

He smugly dons a chef's hat and puts on an apron.

 

**PLANKTON**

"(rubbing his hands together) At long last. The Chum Bucket will be a hit. Ahahahaha!"

  

**NARRATOR**

"The next day."

 

**INT. THE KRUSTY KRAB - DAY**

Bikini Bottomites--rich fish included--walk straight past The Krusty Krab after eyeing an exterior board listing the absurd prices.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"What's the world coming to? We haven't had a single customer all day!"

 

Mr. Krabs is looking out the window. He sees Squidward exit The Chum Bucket with a drink in hand, and he screams.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Has that boy lost his marbles!?"

 

Squidward strolls in.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Mr. Squidward. Traitor to the name of The Krusty Krab! What do you have to say for yourself?"

 

Holding up a hand, Squidward takes the time to nonchalantly slurp on a straw.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"The new diluted chum soda isn't even that bad."

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Mutiny!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Mr. Krabs, by the looks of it, Plankton's taken your idea for a bigger menu and found huge success!"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Ack!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"And no one's coming to The Krusty Krab because the prices have pushed out the only low lifes that came here in the first place."

 

**MR. KRABS**

"ACK!"

 

The door bell rings. Mr. Krabs jumps up and down excitedly.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"A customer!"

 

He looks round, only to find a large and oddly familiar looking tuxedo-dressed catfish. Mr. Krabs' frowns disappointedly.

 

"Hey, Krabs. I got all the ingredients you asked for!"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Forget it, I don't wan't 'em anymore! You and your silly schemes ruined me business!"

 

"..Here's the bill."

 

At a glance Mr. Krabs is able to quickly make out the quadruple digits.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"AAAHH!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Mr. Krabs! Your tie is squint!"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"AAAAAAHHHH!"

 

Mr. Krabs' shock gradually turns into anger. Smoke vents from his nose. The man sees this and takes money out of Krabs' shirt pocket while he's frozen in place.

 

"I'll ..just, uh, leave you to it. Hey, kid, the name's Terry Tadpoles. Freelance accountant. Take this and mind and pay me back, would ya?"

 

He hands SpongeBob a card. SpongeBob turns it over, revealing an address. Mr. Krabs has his right claw tightly clenched around one of his menus.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"That so called 'professional' has made a right mess of things. My customers're gone, my money's gone, and me arch-rival's taking over! You two had best come in extra early tomorrow. We're gonna be having ourselves an execution!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Electrocution?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Mr. Krabs, with no due respect, I'd like to get some sleep for once!?"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"It's an  _execution_ , SpongeBob. You know what that is, right?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I guess I do."

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Well, I gotta get rid of the cause of this whole debacle. Just come in tomorrow, and, in front of everyone, destroy 'em. After that display, everything is put behind us, and I get me customers back! Order is restored!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Okay. But, by 'the cause', do you mean--ohh."

 

SpongeBob imagines the accountant laying his head down for a medieval beheading and laughs.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Haha. I like your morbid sense of humor!"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"I'm not trying to humor you, boy. This is serious. My money's on the line here!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Then ..wait ..you want me to _kill_?"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Uh. I guess you could put it that way, yeah. But you should think of it more as putting them through the shredder."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"The shredder!? Mr. Krabs, this isn't right."

 

**MR. KRABS**

"It's not hard, boy! Come on time, or I'll make you take care of every last one in Bikini Bottom!"

  

In his imagination, SpongeBob sees all the wealthy fish in Bikini Bottom in chains and being led up a stage inside the Krusty Krab. He's stands over them with an axe. SpongeBob goes pale.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Uhh. You know, suddenly, I feel ill. I must be coming down with seriously questioning Mr. Krabs' morals syndrome. I can't come in to work tomorrow!"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Well, if you're that against it, I'll do it meself. But I hope you're ready to throw them in .."

 

Mr. Krabs looks down at him menacingly.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"--the recycling .."

 

SpongeBob runs out screaming. Mr. Krabs points a pincer to a stack of menus.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"'Cause these accursed pieces of paper ain't gonna scrap themselves ..hey, where'd the little devil run off to?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Can we put SpongeBob through the shredder instead?"

  

**INT. SPONGEBOB'S HOUSE - DAY**

Slamming the door behind him, SpongeBob rests his back against it.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Gary! I gotta kill someone! Any ideas!?"

 

**GARY**

"Meow?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"No, Gary, I do not mean like setting sea urchins on fire with a magnifying glass. I mean ..actually, what do I mean?"

 

Gary slithers off and returns to him holding up an axe.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Eek! No way! There's got to be another solution ..oh, I know!"

 

SpongeBob pulls out a box of comics.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"These rare X-rated Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy comic books'll do the trick. Must be something in here ..come on, come on ..!"

 

He skims over several pages before tossing it to the floor.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Aah! No, that can't be right! Come on, Gary, help me out. This is an emergency."

 

Gary is busy pushing a pile of DVDs towards him.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Of course! Movies! Gary, you're a genius."

 

**EXT. THE KRUSTY KRAB - DAY**

Mr. Krabs is walking home from work. He pulls open his trouser pockets and sighs. Empty.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Ooh ..hopefully this will be the last day that puts no money in me pockets."

 

He peers in the direction of SpongeBob's house, then turning to a tired Squidward.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Mr. Squidward? You don't suppose SpongeBob got the wrong idea back there ..?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Do you even need to ask?"

 

Mr. Krabs looks to SpongeBob's house again in worry.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Well, just to be sure."

 

**INT. SPONGEBOB'S HOUSE - EVENING**

SpongeBob and Gary have fallen asleep watching movies, the former peacefully resting his head on the pet's shell and dribbling down his side. A cheesy action movie is playing--two fish are lost in a jungle. One with a twirly moustache picks up some branches and hands it to the other.

 

"If you rub these two sticks together, it'll start a fire."

 

He rubs them together, and a puff of smoke engulfs him.

 

"Oh no! Instead, it materialised a raging stampede of elephants!" Aaah!"

 

The fish with the moustache laughs maniacally as the other is chased off, and an elephant loudly trumpets. Abruptly waking SpongeBob and Gary and causing them to jump in surprise.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Whoa! What was that!?"

 

SpongeBob inspects the room. Gary is dozing off on his lap.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"We must've fallen asleep."

 

'THE END' appears on sreen.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"And I missed the ending! Oh, what am I doing!? What time is it? (checks the clock) Gah! It's getting really late. Sorry, Mr. Krabs ..I'm gonna do the right thing, and call the police."

 

Later, SpongeBob is impatiently hugging his knees and rocking back on the sofa some distance away from his phone. When it rings, he dashes for it.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"HELLO!? Oh, sorry."

 

SpongeBob anxiously listens in to mumbling over the phone.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"So, let me get this straight; he's not at home, or at The Krusty Krab, and you can't contact him!? Hah ..hah."

  

He puts down the phone. SpongeBob's face is rife with panic.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Okay. Okay, I can do this. I'll take care of the guy privately and bring him in to work tomorrow, instead of doing the deed in front of hundreds of people, and hopefully that'll leave us with less of a chance of being sent to jail. Wish me luck, Gary."

 

SpongeBob steps outside, and, just as he does, Mr. Krabs barely misses him. He goes up to knock on the door.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"SpongeBob? You home?"

 

**EXT. TADPOLES MANSION - EVENING**

He stands in awe before a three story building. SpongeBob gasps, and stares down at the place name on the card in his hand.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I sure hope this is the right address."

 

SpongeBob peeks round the estate and  through a window, but he slips and accidentally bangs his forehead against the glass. Tadpoles appears at the front door and SpongeBob shoots up.

 

**TADPOLES**

"Oh, it's you! Come on in. I'm guessing your boss needed some more advice?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Y-y-yeah! I didn't think you were still up."

 

**TADPOLES**

"They don't call me a night owl for nothing, heh."

 

Although SpongeBob is extremely nervous, he is lead inside.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"N-nice place you got here--"

 

After seeing a collection of swords and medieval weapons hung on the walls, SpongeBob passes out. Tadpoles helps him up.

 

**TADPOLES**

"Oh, you must be exhausted after the trip. I see you've noticed my collection of authentic fifteenth century weaponry? 

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Uh-huh! They're very interesting!"

 

**TADPOLES**

"Aren't they? Want to give one a swing?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"What!?"

 

**TADPOLES**

"Just kidding! Hahaha! I would never let even my closest family lay a finger on them. They're priceless. Not to mention, dangerous."

 

SpongeBob gulps.

 

**TADPOLES**

"It's getting pretty late, so, how about we cut to the chase and--"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Late!? Oh yeah, you're right! Thanks for chatting! Okay, bye!"

 

Jumping out of his seat, SpongeBob starts panicking and wandering around the house. He's lost.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Where's the door?"

 

Tadpoles opens it for him. SpongeBob runs out, and the man scratches his head.

 

**TADPOLES**

"Strange kid."

 

As soon as he walks away from the closed front door, SpongeBob pops his eyes through the letterbox. He looks around. Tadpoles finishes his glass of water, yawns, and goes upstairs.

SpongeBob waits before climbing inside. He takes one tiny step, but the pressure of his shoes cause the floorboards to creak. SpongeBob takes them off and stores them inside his porous body.

He starts tip-toeing, but soon loses balance as his socks are slippery, and he slides across the room. SpongeBob bounces against the walls, knocking all of the weapons down and they crash and clatter to the floor. Finally, he loudly slams into the foot of the staircase. His eyes go wide, but he relaxes once he hears snoring coming from upstairs.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Phew .."

 

This time he takes off his socks, and tip-toes the rest of the way barefoot. The stairs are extra creaky. To test it, he puts his toes down twice on the first step and it creaks each time. SpongeBob gulps and closes his eyes, before wildly walking up the steps and sounding a noise on each one.

He stops at the top of the stairs, his heart pounding. SpongeBob follows the noise of snoring into Tadpoles' bedroom. He opens the door, and appears next to his bed. Looking down towards him and biting his lip.

SpongeBob slowly takes a cushion from a nearby arm chair, raises it up into the air, then starts giggling and pillow-fighting with a worm sitting on top of the man's head who is holding another cushion between it's teeth.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Okay. Play time's over. Off you go, little guy."

 

He nudges the worm, and it barks happily and steps back. SpongeBob climbs on to the bed, careful not to stand on his unsuspecting victim.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"..Here goes nothing."

 

SpongeBob gently shoves the man off the bed with two hands and he lands with a quiet thud. He covers his eyes, but curiosity gets the better of him and SpongeBob takes a peek. Tadpoles is lying in a cosy heap on the floor. The worm licks its master.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Huh? Where's the pool of lava?"

 

Putting on a steel helmet, SpongeBob blows a horn next. But nothing happens.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Where's the giant fire breathing dragon that's supposed to come out of the sky and eat him?"

 

The man snores peacefully. SpongeBob looks at him, then to his hands.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"There's no turning back now. Time to use my most brutal, surefire technique .."

 

SpongeBob pulls him back up onto the bed and wiggles his fingers.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I'll tickle him to death!"

 

Tadpoles laughs uncontrollably in his sleep while SpongeBob tickles him all over. After a mere few seconds, SpongeBob pulls back his fingers and cries into them.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I can't do it! I just can't do it! This is too awful ..I'm sorry, Bikini Bottom. I'm sorry for letting you down."

 

He hops off the bed and sadly turns his back on him.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"If I wasn't such a coward, some people would still be alive tomorrow .."

 

**EXT. TADPOLES MANSION - NIGHT**

Plankton steps up to the door. Laughing maniacally.

 

**PLANKTON**

"Come on out, my dear accomplice! It's high time I thanked you for sabotaging Krabs' restaurant. Moohahahaha!"

 

He knocks on the door. Putting a non-existent ear against it, Plankton hears footsteps approaching and grins. He steps back as it unlocks and SpongeBob runs out, who is in so much of a hurry that he steps on him. SpongeBob looks around frantically.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Oh, where do I go!? What do I do?"

 

SpongeBob sees the Krusty Krab in the distance and gets a look of determination.

 

**EXT. THE KRUSTY KRAB - DAY**

 

**MR. KRABS**

"What a night."

 

He steps up to the front door and unlocks it with his key. He tries to open it, but it won't budge. Mr. Krabs looks through the glass. The door is boarded up by tables, chairs and planks of wood.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Argh! Alright, where'd I put that crowbar--"

 

Mr. Krabs spots Plankton sitting with his back against the walls of his restaurant.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Well, well, well. If it isn't Plankton! What have you done this time!?"

 

**PLANKTON**

"What!? Nothing! It's that yellow twerp of yours. He's been holed up in your restaurant all morning!"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"And what makes you think I'd believe that?--"

 

He spots SpongeBob poking his head up from the cash register.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"SpongeBob! Open this door right now!"

 

Spongebob hurriedly goes to puts up more barricades instead.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"SpongeBob! Oh, now how am I gonna run me business!?"

 

**PLANKTON**

"And how am I going to steal your secret formula?"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Quiet, you."

 

Mr. Krabs sighs and taps on the door.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Can't we talk this over, lad?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"No! I can't let you in here, Mr. Krabs. You're dangerous! Not to mention, painted with the blood of the innocent! AAH!"

 

SpongeBob points a trembling finger towards his red exoskeleton.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"This is the natural colour of me shell!?"

 

Mr. Krabs sees a slightly paler coloured spot on himself, quickly wiping it clean.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"After proper conditioning. SpongeBob, come on. You know me. Stop being silly. I just wanna talk."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Uh ..okay."

 

SpongeBob hesitantly removes the furniture blocking the door.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Thank you. So, SpongeBob--"

 

Plankton runs in after them.

 

**PLANKTON**

"Ahahahaha! Fools! That was your last line of defense. Now the secret krabby patty formula will be mine!--OW!"

 

Mr. Krabs steps on him.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"You've got a lot of explaining to do, boy."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I can't let you go through with the execution. It's completely wrong, and immoral!"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Again with the paper, lad. I don't see what's got you so worked up about this."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"The what?" 

 

**MR. KRABS**

"The paper. The menus! Come on, I spent about half of yesterday explaining it to ya. What do you not understand about putting paper in a paper shredder?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"P-paper!?"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Yeah. Goodness, boy, what did you think I was making you shred? People?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Haha. Funny, uhm, that you should say that."

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Oh no. Please tell me you didn't."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I didn't, but--"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"But what? Don't tell me that all because of a silly little misunderstanding, you went out after dark, broke into someone's house, tried to kill them, found you didn't have the heart for it, left and went home?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Actually I went to The Krusty Krab. But, yeah."

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Oh, good, because otherwise I--"

 

Mr. Krabs blinks.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"SpongeBob! You can't go around doing stuff like that! Just imagine how much it'd cost me in legal fees."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Sorry, Mr. Krabs."

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Ugh. Nevermind. Use your noggin' next time, okay?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Aye, aye, Mr. K. Do you still need me to cut up those menus?"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"As long as I've got a pack of hungry customers waiting outside, I do. Hop to it!"

 

SpongeBob lets in all the customers and they gather round the stage. While Squidward gives a drum roll, SpongeBob steps onto a podium and presses the button on the shredder after putting the menus inside. Mr. Krabs walks up to stand beside him.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Mr. Krabs, I feel relieved yet somewhat disappointed. Is that normal?"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"That's life, boy. (turns to the audience) Alright, show's over. Now who wants a krabby patty!?"

 

The customers cheer and wave dollar bills. They line up at the cash register, so Squidward returns to his post. Picking himself up from the floor, Plankton groans. His body and antennae having been flattened and badly damaged.

 

**PLANKTON**

"Another day, another miserable failure. Ugh. Thanks anyway for illegally impersonating an accountant and swindling Krabs out of some of his hard earned cash. Heh, heh, heh .."

 

SpongeBob, an angry Mr. Krabs, and two police officers are standing behind them and holding cuffs.

 

**PLANKTON**

"Uh oh."

 

Mr. Krabs pats SpongeBob's shoulder.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"So, he was working for Plankton all along. No wonder! All's well that ends well, boy. Ak-ak-ak-ak!"

 

An officer suddenly appears next to him.

 

"Hey, Lieutenant. Isn't this the rampaging crab we got a call about?"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Eh?"

 

"You're right. Sir, we're going to need to take you in for questioning."

 

**MR. KRABS**

"But I'm innocent!"

 

Mr. Krabs gets dragged off and put in a police car while he glares helplessly at SpongeBob, who chases after him.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"SPONGEBOB!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Mr. Kraabs!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'm starting to get the hang of these originals. For this chapter, I wanted to try my hand at a slightly darker plot, but one that doesn't go too far. Thanks for reading. Next I will do a fix-it of Restraining SpongeBob which is my last request so far.


	9. (Fix-It) Restraining SpongeBob

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 8 - Episode 168a  
> Originally Aired April 2nd, 2012
> 
> Squidward gives SpongeBob a restraining order.

**Fix-It 6**

****Episode Suggested by Dm4487** **

 

**INT. SQUIDWARD'S HOUSE - DAY**

Squidward is cosy in bed, and mumbling in his sleep, when a loud scraping sound wakes him up from outside.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"What the ..?"

 

He looks out the window. SpongeBob is grinding his spatula against a whirring metal wheel.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"SpongeBob, do you mind!?"

 

SpongeBob doesn't hear the yelling as he has a pair headphones on. Squidward angrily breaks off his window and tosses it at SpongeBob to catch his attention.

It misses, hitting the wheel instead and flying back at him upon impact. Knocking Squidward out of his home and head-first onto the ground below. His four legs fall and dangle over SpongeBob's face, covering his eyes.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Oh, hey, Squidward. What you doing?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"What am I doing? What are _you_ doing!?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I am sharpening my trusty spatula. Speaking of which, are you going to stick around for morning fry cook calisthenics?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Cala-what?"

 

SpongeBob begins engaging in some stretching exercises. Squidward ignores him, goes inside to get changed, and starts heading down the road. SpongeBob quickly chases after him.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Walking to work, huh, Squidward?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Go away."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Can I walk with you?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"No."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Please?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"No."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Please?"

 

As they continue this routine, the two draw closer and closer to the Krusty Krab.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"I. Said. NO! I will not walk to work with y--"

 

Squidward looks around. They're already at work.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Okay. Maybe tomorrow, then."

 

He mumbles some angry garble and starts work at the register.

 

**CUSTOMER**

"I'll have two krabby patties."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Okay. And would you like cheese on--"

 

Mustard sprays him on the back of the head. Squidward narrows his eyes and slowly wipes it off himself.

  

**CUSTOMER**

"Yes, I--"

 

Another spurt of mustard hits him. Growing in anger, Squidward bursts into the kitchen.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"SpongeBob! You're completely missing the patty!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Wow, Squidward. How'd'you know that?"

 

SpongeBob says this whilst carelessly holding the mustard bottle horizontally above a Krabby Patty.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Well, let's see. Maybe 'cause I have a brain?"

 

Squidward leans his elbow on the grill.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Ohh. Squidward, uh, the grill is on."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Oh, really? And do you think I don't know that this grill is .."

 

Raising his arm, Squidward sees that it's turned a light red. He screams and darts around frantically.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I gotta do something!"

 

Spongebob removes the mop from a bucket of water.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Okay, Squidward, this should help."

 

He holds out the bucket, preparing to throw its contents. However, the water spills onto the floor like a waterfall rather than being launched. SpongeBob then attempts to douse Squidward in water. He realises too late that its all on the ground, and, while running around, Squidward slips on the puddle and flies across the room.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Don't worry, Squidward. I'll catch you."

 

SpongeBob takes out a jellyfishing net and manages to catch him inside. As Squidward is moving so fast, the net simply breaks off and sends him crashing into a wall. Falling into the deep fryer below.

He scrambles out of the sizzling mixture and tries to get away from SpongeBob, but while running and looking backwards, he crashes into a dispenser. SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs stand over him as he lays covered in ice cold liquid pouring from a broken tap amongst the rubble.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Me soda machine!"

 

Concerned, SpongeBob hops onto Squidward and holds two fingers in front of his face.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Squidward, can you hear me? How many fingers am I--"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"No!"

 

Squidward yells so loudly that SpongeBob's arms flail back and his eyes sink into his sockets. He kicks SpongeBob away and runs for it.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Squidward? Wh--"

 

As SpongeBob wanders closer and closer, Squidward steps further and further back. He climbs up the wall and onto the ceiling while rambling incessantly.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Well, you really sent him over the edge this time."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Technically I drove him up the wall."

 

**NARRATOR**

"One shift later .."

 

**INT. THE KRUSTY KRAB - DAY**

SpongeBob is happily mopping the floors. Squidward swings open the door, holding a document underarm.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Oh, SpongeBob. I've got a present for you."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Present? A present? For me?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Now, now. Calm down. I should've given this to you a long time ago."

 

Squidward holds out a sheet of paper. SpongeBob skips right into it and falls flat on his back. The paper ends up in his mouth, so he pulls it out to read.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Wow, Squidward! My very own ..'re-strain-ing ord-er'. Uh ..what is that?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Read it."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"'Restraining order for SpongeBob SquarePants. You may no longer speak or come within fifteen feet of SQUIDWARD TENTACLES!?"

 

Meanwhile, Squidward is busy drawing a dotted line of chalk around his boat.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"'Any infractions of these statutes will result in serious jail time.' ..so does that mean I can't--?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Nope."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Or--"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Nope."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Or even--?"

 

Squidward puts a phone to his ear, grinning. SpongeBob hears the sound of a police siren. He swallows hard. A few minutes later, SpongeBob is back to work as usual, but Squidward's boat is far away from the kitchen hatch. SpongeBob holds out some food and drink on a tray suspended by a long spatula that reaches across the room.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"There we go! Three krabby patties, two large kelpy colas, and three fries ready to be served."

 

Squidward rolls up a window on his right side, ignoring the order being held next to him.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Hm?"

 

SpongeBob hauls it over to the other side instead, but Mr. Krabs comes through the door and knocks into it. This tips him over and the tray's contents spill all over the floor.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Oops! Sorry about that, Mr. Krabs. It's just so hard to get this food to Squidward without violating this restraining order."

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Let me see that!" 

 

Mr. Krabs grabs the restraining order and uses it to wipe mustard off himself before handing it back.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Thank you. Look, boy, I don't know what in coral cabins a restraining order is, but I do know whatever's going on here clearly ain't working! Now I want this ship sailing smoothly. On the double! Or I'll be forced to remove more gold stars from your employee performance chart!"

 

SpongeBob gasps in horror.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Think, SpongeBob, think! ..Oh! I got it!"

 

Patrick slowly walks over the chalk line towards the register. Sporting a grin.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Oh, if I ignore it, maybe it'll go away."

 

**PATRICK**

"Hehehehe."

 

Squidward puts down a book he was reading and sighs.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"I thought not. Okay, Patrick. What? What? What!?"

 

**PATRICK**

"Notice anything different? Huh?"

 

Patrick points to his hat excitedly, and Mr. Krabs bursts through.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Patrick! I am not not paying you to stand around and play guess what the idiot's thinking with Squidward! Get back to work!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Yeah, Patrick. Get back to--WHAT, WORK!? Oh, no. No, no, no! Krabs."

 

While Squidward passes by the kitchen hatch, Spongebob slinks back. Abiding by his order of no less than fifteen feet. He waits patiently for Squidward to get some distance away before returning to his post.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Mr. Krabs."

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Why all the shivering of the timbers, Mr. Squidward?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Mr. Krabs, this will not stand!"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"It'll stand. Oh, unless you'd rather talk with SpongeBob."

 

Squidward clenches his fists. Later, Patrick is doing his job and passing food to and from the kitchen. He stops after Squidward hands out the last tray. Staring at him.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"What."

 

**PATRICK**

"Can I watch you work?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"No."

 

**PATRICK**

"Please?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"No."

 

**PATRICK**

"Please?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"No."

 

Patrick stands behind him while Squidward mops.

 

**PATRICK**

"Please?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"No."

  

Squidward is collecting dirty cups and plates.

 

**PATRICK**

"Please?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"No!"

 

Patrick stands directly behind him at the cash register.

 

**PATRICK**

"Pretty please?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"No! No, no, no!"

 

He watches Squidward while he's cleaning tables.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Go away, Patrick!"

 

Patrick lays a hand on Squidward's shoulder.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Go away, Patrick!"

 

He stares at Squidward from beside the register.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Patrick!"

 

Patrick continues staring at him while peeking from behind Squidward's boat.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Patrick!"

 

Squidward faces forward, with Patrick standing an inch behind him.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Patrick!"

 

While washing his hands, Patrick replaces Squidward's reflection in the mirror. He returns to the register. Red veins appear on his eyes, and sweat runs down his quivering face.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Mr. Squidward."

 

Squidward screams.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Time for your break."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"..Don't mind if I do. (sits down) Ah ..no better way to spend a break than with a little cool jazz."

 

He takes out his velvet-lined clarinet box and picks up some air in the place of his instrument. Attempting to play into it, only for his mouth to shrivel up from blowing so hard into nothingness. He looks down, confused at the sight of his empty hands. Patrick opens the bathroom door.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Huh?"

 

**PATRICK**

"Hi, Squidward!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Hello ..you."

 

**PATRICK**

"I just finished cleaning the restroom! I mopped the floors. I shined the mirrors. I scrubbed the sinks."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

(sarcastically)

"Wonderful."

 

**PATRICK**

"Oh yeah. But we're going to need a new toilet plunger. (holds out a dripping clarinet) This one's broken."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"PATRICK!"

 

Squidward snatches it back.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Nice work, Patrick! Break time's over, Mr. Squidward."

 

His neck cranes in gloom and he puts on his hat back on. Stepping up to the cash register.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Welcome to the house of misery. May I take your order?"

 

**CUSTOMER**

"Yes, I would like to order two double fried kelp fritters, three Krusty Krab cream filled corals, and four triple fatty Krabby Patties. Is that too much?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"That depends."

 

**CUSTOMER**

"On what?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"How long do you want to live. Hah, hah."

 

Squidward turns around. Patrick is directly facing him. The starfish's mouth hangs open in confusion, and Squidward's nose gets caught between his teeth. When he finally pulls his nose free, the force sends him soaring through the air.

 

"Oh, Grammy. I brought your favourite. Seaberry pie."

 

A customer, while holding out the pie, catches sight of Squidward flying straight at him.

 

"Yikes!"

 

They dash away, but the pie continues to float in mid-air. Squidward's face splashes into it and he hits the wall. Climbing back onto his feet, he uses a hand to miserably clean the jam off himself before glaring at Patrick.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"That's it. I know what I must do! That pink menace has got to go .."

 

Squidward is at the register, and Patrick arrives carrying a fairly small order.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Wait. Patrick, let me see that tray."

 

Patrick frowns. Squidward plucks it from his hands, and begins to mischievously examine it.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Why, it's a mess! Oh no, no, no. This simply won't do. It doesn't follow The Krusty Krab standards at _all_! Here. I'll fix it for you."

 

Squidward struggles to pile some heavy weights onto the tray. His arms wobble as he returns it to Patrick.

 

**PATRICK**

"Thanks, Squidward. You're the best."

 

Patrick struggles to hold it up while Squidward peers over the side of his boat. He watching intently in waiting of the inevitable. Patrick pants and sweats, and eventually falls over and spills it all on the floor and on a nearby customer.

 

"Hey!"

 

**PATRICK**

"Whoops."

 

Grabbing a mop, Patrick frantically tries to clean up the mess. Mr. Krabs pokes his head out.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Patrick! The next time you stain the floors and me customers, I'm charging ya double."

 

**PATRICK**

"Sorry, Mr. Krabs."

 

Mr. Krabs peers from behind. Noticing the weights.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"And maybe try not to carry your rocks around on trays, next time?"

 

**PATRICK**

"But Squidward told me to--"

 

Patrick is interrupted by the sound of Mr. Krabs' door closing. Squidward grins. After a long day's work, Patrick looks exhausted. He sighs and leans back against a table.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Patrick. I've got some bad news."

 

**PATRICK**

"What?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"You know, it really pains me to say this, but ..Mr. Krabs says you're fired."

 

**PATRICK**

"Huh? Why? For what?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"You could say that he just doesn't think you're very capable (snicker)."

 

**PATRICK**

"Oh. Okay. That sucks. I guess I'll see you later, then, Squidward."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"No. You won't."

 

Squidward swipes his hands clean and struts off.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Well that was easy."

 

Patrick is just about to leave, when Mr. Krabs grabs him by the shoulder.

 

**MR. KRABS**

"And where do you think you're going, Patrick? You're not fired yet, are ya? So get back to work."

 

**PATRICK**

"But Squidward said--"

 

**MR. KRABS**

"Hurry, boy! There's food that needs serving."

 

With a big claw around him, he's led back inside. Patrick seems confused--that is, until, he spots Squidward watching him from afar. Patrick glares at him. He enters the kitchen and is surprised to find himself face-to-face with Squidward.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Alright, Patrick! Enough is enough!"

 

**PATRICK**

"Funny. I was about to say the exact same thing."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"What? Really?"

 

**PATRICK**

"No. But I know what you're up to, Squidward. You're trying to get me--"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Fired?"

 

**PATRICK**

"(gasp) You are!?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Yeah. In fact, you might as well just throw in the towel now and save me the bother. Krabs has gotta lay you off sooner or later."

 

**PATRICK**

"Oh yeah? Says who?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Says me."

 

**PATRICK**

"Well I say you didn't say that!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Well I say I did!"

 

They step up into each other's faces and continue to argue and bicker. SpongeBob blinks when he sees them, upon coming through the door.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Oh no! My two best friends are fighting! But this restraining order says I can't get close enough to break it up."

 

**PATRICK**

"Big nose!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"No nose!"

 

**PATRICK**

"No ears!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"No brain!"

 

**PATRICK**

"Hey! You take that back!"

 

SpongeBob desperately looks between the ongoing fight and his order.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I'm sorry, restraining order. But my friends need me."

 

He leaps between the two, and SpongeBob's stretched out arms and legs force them apart.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Stop!"

 

Squidward is pushed back. He sees the restraining order sticking out of SpongeBob's pocket and pulls it out.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Give me that restraining order!"

 

SpongeBob shrieks.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Alright, let's look at this .."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Squidward, please don't send me to jail. I violated the restraining order. I'm sorry! (sobs) I'm sorry!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Quit bellyaching and hand me a pen."

 

Between sniffles, SpongeBob takes a pen out and lends it to Squidward.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Here you go."

 

SpongeBob starts crying again.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Stop the waterworks! You are not going to jail."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I'm not?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"No. I'm releasing you from this order."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Really, Squidward?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"(looks at Patrick) And adding someone who's much more deserving."

 

Patrick tries to follow Squidward's line of sight and gasps at the wall behind him.

 

**PATRICK**

"Wally, no!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"No, Patrick. You!"

 

He squints his eyes to read the paper Squidward is pointing at.

 

**PATRICK**

"What's a restraining order?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Differences from the original episode:-  
> 1\. Dragged out fart joke is replaced.  
> 2\. Squidward slapstick sequence is shortened.  
> 3\. Three lawyers explaining the restraining order to SpongeBob is replaced by him just reading it. I felt that the original spent way too much time on this.  
> 4\. Some annoying Patrick laughter is removed.  
> 5\. "Notice anything different?" scene is shortened.  
> 6\. Sequence of Patrick asking to watch Squidward while he works is shortened. Yeah. It went on for even longer.  
> 7\. Toilet plunger scene shortened.  
> 8\. More annoying Patrick laughter and dialogue is taken out.  
> 9\. Squidward isn't allergic to the seaberry pie and doesn't puff up, unlike the original.  
> 10\. New sequence added.  
> 11\. The fight at the end is verbal, unlike the original which was physical, and it starts differently.  
> 12\. More annoying Patrick laughter at the very end is replaced.
> 
> I thought the original episode was kinda poorly executed. Some of the jokes were decent, but some of them sucked. Plus I found Patrick annoying and poorly written so I had to really tone him down. Overall, it wasn't too bad. I'd say around Splinter quality. That isn't the best endorsement, but, hey. Special thanks to Dm4487 for the suggestion.
> 
> Next week I plan on doing a full hand-drawn storyboard for one of my originals, and several new original chapters are in the works. Fix-its won't stop but they'll probably come out later down the line. Thanks for reading and see you around.


	10. (Original) Overgrowth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Patrick's rock overgrows with plants.

**Original 4**

**Overgrowth**

 

**INT. SPONGEBOB'S HOUSE - DAY**

While scooping up spoonfuls of cereal, SpongeBob can hear a faint disembodied voice echoing throughout his home.

 

**PATRICK (O.S.)**

"SpongeBooob .."

  

**SPONGEBOB**

"Huh? Patrick? Is that you?"

 

He paces around the ground floor, but Patrick is nowhere to be seen.

 

**PATRICK (O.S.)**

"SpongeBob!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"What is it, Patrick? And where are you hiding? I still can't see you."

 

**PATRICK (O.S.)**

"I'm speaking to you telepathically, SpongeBob."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Why?"

 

Patrick rises up from under the sand.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Gah!"

 

**PATRICK**

"Because I was so hungry that I ate the fax machine and my telephone chord. But, SpongeBob! Please! You gotta help me. I need some of your food."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Again? Patrick, I gave you about half of the contents of my fridge just yesterday."

 

The two wander into the kitchen.

 

**PATRICK**

"I know. I'm sorry, SpongeBob, but all your food is gone and I'm still hungry. I don't wanna have to use plan B."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"What's plan B?"

 

**PATRICK**

"You and Squidward. Oh, and learning all the other letters of the alphabet."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Okay, Patrick. But just this once."

 

**NARRATOR**

"More than once later."

 

Patrick routinely knocks on SpongeBob's door. When it clicks opens, Patrick is greeted by his friend's tired and disappointed face.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Hello, Patrick .."

 

Silence. Patrick opens his mouth to speak, and SpongeBob covers it.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I know what you're going to say, so just listen. I've given you every last scrap of food I have and now there's nothing left."

 

**PATRICK**

"..You sure?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Take a good look, Pat! My fridge is empty, my cupboards are empty,"

 

SpongeBob points and stands next to a pet bowl on the floor.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Even Gary's food bowl is empty!"

 

**GARY**

"Meow."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"All that's left is the very contents of my soul."

 

He opens the front of his square body like a cupboard. Then, Patrick sticks his head inside. Pulling out a bag of crisps and popping them open. SpongeBob's right eye twitches.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I can't take this anymore! Pat, I know you don't have a job, but it's about time you started becoming more independent."

 

**PATRICK**

"What does that mean?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"It means that you should start doing things by yourself. Stand on your own two feet! Be a man!"

 

**PATRICK**

"What!? SpongeBob, I'll have you know that I live in my own house, I make my own--food ..uh. You're not going to give me any, are you?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Nope."

 

**PATRICK**

"Okay. We can start now."

 

**INT. BARG'N-MART - DAY**

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Alright, Patrick! Step one to becoming an independent adult is buying your own groceries. Here's some cash."

 

Patrick stares at the stack of dollar bills placed in his hand.

 

**PATRICK**

"Wow. Being independent is awesome!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Now go buy some seeds and, voila! You can grow your own food!"

 

**PATRICK**

"Cool. I'll do that."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Ahh, they grow up so fast."

 

Venturing down the aisle, Patrick soon returns to SpongeBob in the toy section. He curiously watches his friend play with coloured wooden blocks by fitting them into his matching pores.

 

**PATRICK**

"SpongeBob?"

 

SpongeBob screams in surprise, and all the pieces fly out of him and litter the floor.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Oh, haha ..hey, Patrick. What's up?"

 

**PATRICK**

"Sorry, SpongeBob, but all the seeds here are no good."

 

Patrick holds up a clear bag of them.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Huh. They just look like any ordinary seeds to me."

 

**PATRICK**

"Yeah, but I couldn't find any ice cream, or pizza, or ..or even Krabby Patty ones!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Pat, you can only grow fruit and veg."

 

**PATRICK**

"Huuh? Then, you mean I'm supposed to just live off apples and carrots for the rest of my life?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"No. We can take the apples and carrots and make them into a delicious Krusty Krab-style salad!"

 

**INT. PATRICK'S HOUSE - DAY**

The two have built a garden inside Patrick's rock, complete with artificial lighting to mimic the effects of the sun. SpongeBob and Patrick walk around, planting seeds in the fresh soil, and singing while watering them.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"♪ Hear my song, so you will grow big and strong ♪. Wow, I see a leaf! Why don't you try singing to them, Pat?"

 

**PATRICK**

"Okay. ♪ Little seed in the ground, give me food so my tummy gets round~ ♪, hey!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Come and see. It looks great."

 

They stand back to admire their work.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Are you sure you want them grown indoors, though?"

 

**PATRICK**

"Yeah. This way it's a better replacement for my fridge."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Well, okay. I guess they don't call them green _houses_ for nothing. Hahahaha."

 

**PATRICK**

"So, when can I eat 'em?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"According to this manual, use the fertiliser sparingly and wait a few days."

 

**PATRICK**

"Days!? Ohh, SpongeBob .."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Okay, okay, Patrick. But just this once. Money doesn't grow on trees, you know."

 

**EXT. CONCH STREET - EVENING**

SpongeBob is walking home from work, slightly fatigued. But he instantly refreshes upon seeing Patrick, who is strangely covered in vines, leaves and flowers.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Afternoon, Pat! How goes it?"

 

**PATRICK**

"How goes what?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"The garden."

 

**PATRICK**

"Oh yeah. Uh, it's coming along just fine. All thanks to you, buddy!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Aww, well, anything for my best pal in the whole wide world. By the way, what's with the getup? You look like you were dragged through a hedge."

 

**PATRICK**

"I was dragged through my house."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"What?"

 

Patrick reveals his rock's interior. SpongeBob gasps and stares at it in horror--the plants have grown to an abnormal size, to the extent that the garden can barely contain them, and they appear to have a mind of their own in that they respond to the sound of the rock screeching open. Some of the stalks poke outside the house's boundaries.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Patrick! What happened!?"

 

**PATRICK**

"I don't know. I just grew the seeds like you said."

 

He picks up a fertiliser in one hand. SpongeBob grabs it from Patrick and jiggles it around. Empty.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"You went overboard with the fertiliser, huh? Come on, let's give them a trim."

 

**PATRICK**

"No."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"What? Why not?"

 

**PATRICK**

"I like my garden the way it is. The bigger the plants, the more food I get!"

 

To demonstrate, Patrick nudges a nearby stalk with his elbow and opens his mouth. An apple falls in.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"But it's a mess. You don't wanna live in a jungle now, do you?"

 

**PATRICK**

"I thought you said I needed to become independent? And that I should make my own decisions?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Well, yeah .."

 

**PATRICK**

"Exactly. I can take care of it, SpongeBob. I'm a responsible, independent adult."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Okay, Pat. I trust you. After all, it's up to you what you do with your garden."

 

Patrick climbs inside the plant-infested rock, where he is forced to crawl through shrubbery in order to reach his armchair.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Um, just promise me that you'll be okay?"

 

**PATRICK**

"I promise, SpongeBob. In fact, I'll take your advice. I'm going to cut them down ..right after I'm done watching TV."

 

Facing his TV set, a giant root suddenly breaks through the screen. Causing glass shards to fly into Patrick's eyes. He smiles and lowers the remote.

 

**PATRICK**

"Ahh .."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Thanks, Patrick."

 

**INT. SQUIDWARD'S HOUSE - NIGHT**

Giant, leafy tendrils crawl in and burst through Squidward's windows and doors. Waking up the next morning, he screams, as branches are blocking out the sun, hence turning the room pitch black, and a great, lumbering silhouette bearing some resemblance to an apple tree sits at the foot of his bed. Casting a shadow over him. SpongeBob wanders outside, still half asleep, and Squidward jumps into his arms.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"SpongeBob, help! There's a monster in my bedroom!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"A m-m-m-m-monster ..!?"

 

SpongeBob and Squidward hear a creaking sound. With pale faces of dread, they slowly rotate their heads. Thick vines have sprung free from Patrick's rock and continue to grow across the street.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"That was no monster. It's just Patrick's dumb old plants!"

 

Pushing SpongeBob away, who then yelps and splats on the floor, Squidward marches straight for the rock.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Hey, come out here, doofus!"

 

No response. SpongeBob lifts himself back up and stands next to Squidward.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Patrick? Patrick!?"

 

The roof of Patrick's house raises, thus revealing a starfish wrestling with a flurry of vines. SpongeBob and Squidward watch in silence. Eventually, Patrick is able to overcome the plant. Freeing himself from it's grip, he is pulled back and launched from his rock like a slingshot. Landing headfirst in front of the two. Patrick rubs his tender backside.

 

**PATRICK**

"Well. Time to get a new house."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Patrick, what's going on?"

 

**PATRICK**

"Uh, I kind of forgot to cut the plants and when I woke up they were trying to eat me."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Eat you!?"

 

**PATRICK**

"Yeah. I don't recommend going in there. Oh, by the way, SpongeBob, mind if I pick up a snack at your place? Thanks."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Not so fast, Patrick. Your rotten weeds have infested my house, and you better do something about it!"

 

**PATRICK**

"Sorry, Squidward. Nothing I can do. So ..as I was saying. SpongeBob, breakfast awaits."

 

He tries to step past the two, but Spongebob stands in Patrick's way.

 

**PATRICK**

"What?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Patrick, you're not being a responsible adult. You're being an _irresponsible_ adult!"

 

**PATRICK**

"I'm not responsible?"

 

Patrick sniffles and lowers his head.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"You need to get rid of those plants, Pat."

 

SpongeBob eyes him sternly. Patrick turns to Squidward, who gives him the same look.

 

**PATRICK**

"You're right. I'm sorry, guys. I'll take care of it."

 

With a pair of shears at hand, Patrick approaches the rock. He peers inside and a plant stalk flies out, wraps around his belly and drags him under.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Patrick!"

 

SpongeBob dives after him, whilst Squidward remains outside and taps his foot impatiently.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"And you better not come back out until those plants are off my property!"

 

While his back is turned, another stalk reaches out. Creeping up on Squidward as he makes for his house, it grabs him by the neck and pulls him in too.

 

**INT. PATRICK'S HOUSE - DAY**

A square-shaped pile of bright green leaves sits on top of SpongeBob. He can hear footsteps approaching. A pink hand removes the foliage from his eyes, slaps him on either side of his face, and when he still doesn't get up off the ground, Patrick violently shakes him.

 

**PATRICK**

"SpongeBob. SpongeBob!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Huh? What? What is it, Patrick?--Oh. Wow! Your house looks awesome!"

 

**PATRICK**

"Yeah. It sure is awesome. Honestly, SpongeBob, I don't know if I wanna get rid of my garden.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Don't worry, Patrick. I'm here for you. Since I'm also partially responsible. We can cut it down together."

 

**PATRICK**

"Thanks, but that's okay. I can do it myself. See? I'll start on this little one."

 

Patrick is busy hammering an axe down on a vine. After one clean cut, it splits in two.

 

**PATRICK**

"There we go. One down, more to--"

 

It rapidly grows back and sweeps Patrick off his feet.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I think we should go to the heart of this jungle first so we can cut the roots."

 

**PATRICK**

"But it's not Valentine's Day."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"The center, I mean."

 

**PATRICK**

"Ohh. Gotcha. Off we go, jungle-ho!"

 

Just as they have begun their trek, the branch suspending an unconscious Squidward from high above snaps, sending him into a twenty feet free-fall. He lands directly on top of SpongeBob, who cushions his steep descent while simultaneously being crushed under his weight.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Ow .."

 

Squidward groggily opens his eyes and tramples across SpongeBob, who sits up after having been completely flattened. SpongeBob pulls on his skin to stretch himself back out to full width.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Nice of you to drop in, Squiddy. You wanna join us?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Join you? I'm trying to get out of here! Where's the exit!?"

 

**PATRICK**

"I dunno. I don't think the plants wanna let us out."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Well, great."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"It's not so bad. Come on, Squidward! Join the exhibition! We're going to explore Patrick's garden so we can get to the heart."

 

**PATRICK**

"Yeah!"

 

The two put on safari caps.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Once we're done, we can help you get back to the surface."

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Fine. But I want out of here, and fast."

 

With Patrick at the front of the group and using a machete to cut a trail, the trio are led to a crossroads.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Okay. On the count of three, we all say what direction to go in. One, two ..three!"

 

**PATRICK**

"Left!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Right!"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"I don't care!"

 

**PATRICK**

"If Squidward abstains, how do we decide?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"It's righty right and loser left, so I think we should go right."

 

**PATRICK**

"No way. Everyone knows it's lucky left and rong right."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"That doesn't work, Patrick. Wrong has a 'W'. So I win!"

 

**PATRICK**

"Wrong wright!"

 

Squidward is grabbed by a plant vine and slowly hauled backwards. He feebly attempts to free himself while SpongeBob and Patrick are pre-occupied.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Will you two just shut up and help me--YAAAH!"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Okay, Squidward, what did you need help with ..?"

 

By the time SpongeBob and Patrick have turned their heads, Squidward is gone.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"That's funny. I could've sworn he was here a second ago."

 

**PATRICK**

"He probably wanted to find his own way home. So, SpongeBob, how about we just take the third route with a sign next to it that says 'this way to jungle heart'."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Sure, why not."

 

Hours later, SpongeBob and Patrick are exhausted, so they stop and rest by a tree to catch their breath.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Hah ..hah ..we must've walked for miles."

 

**PATRICK**

"Yeah, no kidding. I didn't know my rock was this big."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"You don't know your rock? So--wait ..this whole entire time, you've had no idea where we were going?"

 

**PATRICK**

"Nope."

 

SpongeBob collapses.

 

**PATRICK**

"Uh, we could always ask Squidward for directions. He's right up there. Hey! Squidward! Buddy! Point us to the center of my house!"

 

Squidward is in the mouth of a plant, all except for his hand. It hopelessly flops downwards after wiggling around for a while.

 

**PATRICK**

"Thanks! Huh, I guess we were going in the right direction."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Patrick, correct me if I'm wrong, but did we not just see Squidward desperately clinging on to life while in the maw of a giant, man-eating vegetable? In which case, we should probably go help him!?"

 

They look back. Squidward's hand has disappeared.

 

**PATRICK**

"He got out."

 

After even more walking, SpongeBob and Patrick finally find themselves in a grove.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"This is the place, Patrick! Your armchair and TV are always in the very centre of the room."

 

**PATRICK**

"Then, that means .."

 

SpongeBob points to a garden plot behind the TV, where all of the overgrown fruits and vegetables originated from.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Look! The roots! Hey, why did you plant them all in one spot?"

 

**PATRICK**

"You never told me not to."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Ah, well. Throw me an axe, buddy."

 

Patrick tosses him one. It lands on SpongeBob's face, slicing him in half, but he gives a thumbs up. Both of them stand on either side of the roots and ready their hatchets.

 

**PATRICK**

"Bye-bye, my beautiful garden .."

 

Patrick swings the axe, but he stops in mid air. Beeping sounds are coming from his stomach.

 

**PATRICK**

"SpongeBob, wait! My tummy is trying to tell me something."

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"That's silly. You're just hungry, Patrick. Come on. Let's get chopping."

 

**PATRICK**

"No, really. I think it's morse code."

 

SpongeBob walks over and puts an ear hole on Patrick's belly. There's a faint light flashing inside.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Huh. Actually, it kinda sounds like a fax machine."

 

**PATRICK**

"Oh yeah, I forgot it was still in there. Must've gotten stuck. Hold on."

 

Patrick coughs up a saliva-covered fax machine, and SpongeBob clears his throat before reading the soggy message that comes through.

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Dear Patrick Star, I speak on behalf of every plant in your garden. If this gets through to you, please know that we do not want to be destroyed. We will go quietly if you set us free and promise not to eat us anymore. Signed, your potato plant."

 

Some vines of a potato plant dangle in front of them. With their heads turned skyward, they can see it holding another fax machine. Patrick looks at SpongeBob.

 

**PATRICK**

"What do I--"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"I'm going to let you make the final decision, Pat. You're independent, after all."

 

Patrick smiles. Moments later, plants wearing bowler hats and carrying suitcases can be seen leaving Patrick's rock.

 

**PATRICK**

"(waving) Bye! Come again!"

 

One of the plants approaches Patrick, carrying a boxed gift.

 

**PATRICK**

"For me?"

 

It nods. Patrick opens the present to find several pale, juicy slabs of meat.

 

**PATRICK**

"Oh my gosh, lamb chops! Thanks!"

 

The rest of the garden continues to leave the rock. Squidward, panting and with his shirt torn up, crawls out along with them.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"Grr! When I get my hands on that yellow freak and his big dumb lackey, I'm gonna--!"

 

Patrick hovers over Squidward, holding a tenderloin.

 

**PATRICK**

"Hey, Squidward. Want some chops?"

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"No I do not! You cannot comprehend the horrors that I have been through--!"

 

Squidward's stomach rumbles. He sighs. Shortly after, SpongeBob Patrick and Squidward are lying against the rock and chowing down.

 

**SQUIDWARD**

"I still hate you (munch)."

 

**PATRICK**

"You know what, SpongeBob?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"What?"

 

**PATRICK**

"Since my only sustainable source of food is gone, you know I'll need to go back to using yours, right?"

 

**SPONGEBOB**

"Sorry, Pat. I'm not the same old soft, pushover sponge I used to be. You can't have my food. You need to find your own way of getting some from now on."

 

**PATRICK**

"Haha! Good one! So when's dinner?"

 

SpongeBob is silent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. While brainstorming ideas, I realised there hadn't really been an episode entirely about gardening yet. The closest would be Bunny Hunt. So I just couldn't pass up the opportunity! I'm happy with what I ended up with here. But after this one, I'm still quite literally overflowing with ideas. I currently have three more originals in mind, plus a fix-it, plus a recent suggestion for another fix-it. They'll all come eventually. Anyway, thanks for reading.


End file.
